Cupid is Dead! research carried out by MAVI News [part I]

by Yule, Waga Odongo, Theo Onyango, Frank Midega and B’Jay Ongeti. 

Ambience. Romance. Soul. Flowers. Candy. Wooing. Shoes. Dinner. Dresses. Serenade. Masquerade. Cash. Lots of it. Sex. Not so much of it. What do these things have in common? Nothing!

There’s only two people in the world you should lie to…the police, and your girlfriend.

Ok, wait. That’s not entirely true. They do share a connection. A series of dots tracing a farcical fallacy that joins them to a day. VD. Especially when you add wreaths and wraiths to that list. On behalf of all men, lemme take my head off and bang it on the wall for a bit; perhaps even tear my hair off, for maybe if I martyr it we may all come to our senses and spare ourselves the collective ‘ouch!’ that is frankly the only liaison that creates a rapport between the aforelisted instruction manual. That and the fact that it’s hardly a coincidence Venereal Disease and Valentine’s Day share an acronym. That, by the way, is the last time we blaspheme on this and other pieces of MAVI – as in, articles by the Men Against Valentine's Initiative. Henceforth, we will only refer to it as VD™.

The problem with this day is probably the same problem with these men: Theo Cheatskin, Waga, B’Jay (don ask) and Frank; not necessarily in that order of irrelevance. I will summarize that problem in one word. Extravagance. And since I have little space to express myself now as a result of these 4 opinionated bigots’ pencil-pushers’ exuberance with words, I’ll cue lecture 2. MAVI 102, introduced by Theo...

1.0  BACKGROUND HISTORY OF VD™ by Theo Onyango.

In the past, there existed a bevy of Desperate Housewives Kenya Inc™©®. They had gotten weary of tending to man’s endless perverse primary needs: walking around the house naked, gratifying his unquenchable sexual appetite, posing for nude photography (which after you break up is leaked on the net), being tied to a bed; and of course the other secondary wishes: to be fed and have the laundry done.

These women yearned for a time that they would be rescued from all these monotonous household tasks, to live the fairytale for just one day. And just like that, VD was born.

Valentine was the Emperor’s wife. It turns out she was the most oppressed of the housewives, and it was thus at her request that the Valentine bill was tabled before the house.

She said: “Men are dumb; so when they ask why the holiday, we should say that a long time ago, there existed a Martyr – Saint Valentine – who was persecuted for his religious conviction. It’s not like they’ll actually go and find out the details”.

Njeri: “And that he used to secretly wed couples that were in love, but turned out the Emperor din like that, since it deprived him of soldiers during times of war. Therefore, shiny gifts would come in handy, jewellery and such, since these are the kinds of things issued at weddings. Cash money is also acceptable as an offering.”

Awour: “Since the Emperor wanted to convert Saint Valentine to Paganism to save him from persecution but Valentine refused, this occasion is a cause for celebration and a grand gesture would be appreciated: valet parking, red carpet...all the glamour and glitz.”

Wafula: “Poor Saint Valentine died of hunger, so it’s only right that there be lots of food...chicken to be specific!”

That night, after the meeting, Valentine performed ‘anti-pedriatic’ theatrics for the Emperor in bed...next morning VD was passed as Law. Cause...effect.

Need proof that this is indeed women’s day? Theme colour: RED. This was to symbolize the ‘suffering’ they endure during that time of the month when crumps and mood swings get the best of them; and when it was all finally over on the last day, that marked a moment of liberation.

1.1  Saint Valentine’s (Lover’s Day) = (Lover’s Day) VASELINNE NAITTS [anagram of Saint Valentine’s!]

Fellas, come on, you all know what this means. Really, when you think about it, Vaseline Nights would save you plenty of unwarranted expenses and effort: dressing up in red; looking all dumb just so you could push the boat out on a day, yet you haven’t the slightest clue as to how it came into existence; buying a rose flower, for it to go bad the very next day; dinner expenses; transport et cetera.

With Vaseline, all you have to do is be there. And the best part is that you can regulate the pressure as you deem fit in order to achieve the desired results, which is not the case with the more expensive  Valentine’s competitor.

Women are so accustomed to double standards; they set rules to a game and play along, but the moment they start to go down, they amend the rules in their favour: The tiny bit of information that the ‘round table’ of women left out in the Valentine’s Bill was that back in 1400 AD, there was The High Courts of Love where cases of betrayal akin to love were tried and sentenced (in some cases to death). In the modern day, if you spend on her generously, it is only fair that at the end of the night she invites you into her hidden pathway (generously, I might add). Failure to this, it would be instructive that she be taken to The Hague of Love, yaani Haga la Mapenzi.

2.0  VD: Love ‘Made in China’ by Waga Odongo

So Fred (Brilliant writer and good friend) asks me for 500 words on VD. We’re doing a sort of agglomerated patch-up article for his blog with other writers who are good; like Frank, Tedd, B'Jay and himself, as part of M.A.V.I. (Men against Valentine’s Initiative)...very Scatological with the name.    At the time it seemed like a good idea - t’was two weeks ago - but now after penning 1267 words on the same matter for the Nation, I’m sort of exhausted.

But still a promise and a platform with an invitation to exercise my vast prejudices on a medium that contains minimal censorship – what is there not to like?

For starters let’s talk about love.  Love is a type of socially accepted madness with its accompanied sexual jealousy and protectiveness. It is obsessive, delusional, confusing...and an unruly emotion.  It isn’t a very important emotion to be honest. Love builds homes, hatred inspires empires. The greatest empires are built out of hate not love. Monuments to hate are more impressive and awe inspiring than monuments to love. (Think Taj Mahal and the Pyramids which were built on slave labour.)

IF HE WON’T MARRY YOU NOW, HE WON’T MARRY YOU LATER!

Men – I will be honest – have never married out of love. Just because he loves you doesn’t mean that he will marry you dear.  It’s simple really, it’s not rocket surgery. Dear it’s not about you. It’s him. It’s not because you are ugly, unshaggable and unmarriable.  For a woman a decision is a multi-layered meshwork of considerations; for a man it’s either A or B. Its either he will marry you or he won’t.

Now a woman who was dumped for another woman  after ten years of cohabiting with a man and finds out that the man is going to get married with that (Shit  devil  whore > tick one, some or all) he has known for  a month will be surprised; and mortified; and feel unloved – but truth is, it’s not her fault. It’s all about your frame of mind consistent. Once a man makes a decision, he must never be seen to change no matter what. So if he tells you from day one that he doesn’t believe in marriage, ten years from now chances are he won’t or at least he will say he doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

The reason he leaves you to marry someone else is because - he now wants to get married and can’t propose to you because it will seem like changing his official position. It doesn’t even mean that he loves that shit- devil- whore more or that she is better in Bed ( but come on let’s face it: she probably is - you should have brought your friend along when he asked you to).  Giving in to a woman is a sign of weakness, so no matter how hard you nag, you won’t make him change his mind. It is easier to dump you and marry someone else than get you to marry him. I will explain more about this next time Fred asks me to write about this situation.  (Hopefully he will pay me this time)

VD is a day celebrating artificial love, pushed by the almighty forces of capitalism and preying on a human emotion. It capitalizes on your credulity and desperation. The format it takes is
more predictable than the outcome of the Ugandan Presidential elections. Jewellery, chocolate and a night out; some red lingerie, wham, bam - and tomorrow he is back to the secretary and ignoring you until your birthday.

Above all, men do not care about it. I will tell you why: there only 4 reasons a man will put an effort on VD and all of them are a bit disingenuous.

1. For starters, new girlfriend - he seeks to impress her.

2. He has majorly fucked up in the recent past and this is an attempt to cover up past wrongs.

3. It is for his ego. This is the worst man, because he will get you a very showy no expense paid VD in full public view- e.g. fly a plane to your university like that poor sod a while back- not because he loves you but to show how Great a man he is and how much better he is than the bog-standard men around. In his mind it’s about him, because the applause will be for him and not you. This man will get tired of you very quickly because as soon as he runs out of expensive stunts to pull – you will be saying ‘Come-on love; last year you pulled out of a plane – so this year will it be the Challenger space ship for a trip to the moon? It would be easier for him to get another girl and start all over again with the showiness. He does it for his ego to be lauded, not cause of you dear.

4. He is trying to impress someone else. If he brings you chocolate to the office, and all manner of fripperies, perhaps it might be the fact that he actually is trying to prove his premium as a man to a co-worker whom he has been eyeing.

The intimate dinners and motions through VD are so overdone and faked that honestly I think they belong on The Sun's Headline page.  Instead of one day of hyper-frenetic over-emotion, I prefer 365/6 days of real emotions.

VD is all spin; you put out an annual message that all is well in your relationship, deceive yourself that he cares. Trust me there is more realism in some bourgeois Corporate Social Responsibility department than at a VD dinner.

VD is superficial, vain, consumerized, boring, mass produced and unoriginal. It is “love made in China.”  Love, above all, is special and private.

That Facebook group “I am my own Valentine; because I am always there when I need me” is the most depressing, forlorn bunch of Saddoes. They should all be on suicide watch, lest they decide to get in their Vitzes and connect a pipe from the exhaust to the car compartment and do us all a big favour.

Plus, after rubbishing VD like that, let me add that if you are a woman and you are single on VD, you are a waste product of the oestrogen.  A diminished, unwanted by-product of socio-cultural relations and you should also get in the Vitz and gas yourself.

Happy VD (HVD) ☺

Spit Drool Click here for part II