Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Keep your Crazy away from me Nairobians! by Diasperado Omar

You  may remember that time on Campus when the end was very nearly there. When you could just about taste the horizon, with its linings (job ops) and dark clouds (tarmacking) very well breathing down your neck. If you don't, then let me tell you (bleeping) sucks! Which is why I have few moments to let you peak into the mind of a schizo. However, that doesn't mean all work and no play for you. Here's another psycho from the Diaspora to keep the throne warm while am away on tedious final month of Varsity the way, next time yo paying me Omar!

:) :) :)
Here’s something that really frustrates me about Nairobians. Have you ever noticed how some people will ask the most self explanatory questions? Like for instance I go to varsity in the states, but every time I come back home I always get a few of these “so umerudi?” or “kwani ulikuja leo?” COME ON! ‘So umerudi?’?! Obviously! I’m standing right [blanking] here! Where the hell else would I be if your eyeballs are staring right outta your skull into my face? And ‘kwani ulkuja leo’?! This has to be my personal favorite; just because you see me today doesn’t mean I just [bleeping] got here! Bit like going 'haiya, you had sex jana?' when you meet a mamacita you know...only with a 'bun' in her 'oven'.  

But okay; that’s not even the whole scope of my frustrations; consider it just a tiny tip of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.  How about when you’re driving and people just won’t [farting] stop running/sprinting across the road? Even on highways!! I’m not going to act like I'm new to this, but every time I come back to Kenya after 6 months or so of driving under severe scrutiny and surveillance by the American cops it just baffles me at how unorganized and [blanked] up our roads - and driving - is; not to mention the complete disregard of self worth displayed by people who think that all the cars can see them, forgetting the fact that like another 100 people within 20ft of you are doing the same thing. 

Shoot me somebody!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very observant when I’m doing 90mph all over the place; but I really hate it when some [bleep]hole gives me a near heart attack, running across the street after watching me get as close to him as possible. And then they say something retarded, like “ukinigonga utalipa!”. Newsflash! I’m not gonna ‘lipa’ sh!t. Your [grass] is gonna be plastered all over town, and I swear I’m just going to drive off (okay not really, but that’s honestly how I feel at the time). Though I’m still not lipa’ing sh!t...holla! 

In the event of me having to lipa anything you won’t be able to enjoy it anyway, most likely engaged to a chair on roller-blades for life. And maybe in your arrogant buffoonery you might buy some spinning rims for the wheels or something. Speaking of arrogant buffoonery, cue the Nairobi City Council. Where do I even begin with these money hungry [blank]tards? I drive into Westland for a second just to pick up my laundry or something, and will literally be in the said building for at most 10 minutes; but boy, do city council chimployees wanna hear that? They are the scavenging vultures of the Nairobi wierderness - eti nipe “Chai”, or as we normal people call it, a bribe. Why write you a ticket when you can 'buy me a steaming beverage' instead? Which incidentally is what one mamma (and by that I mean like mama mboga, not like mamacita...if you catch my drift) did - she had some packed lunch, which included a thermos flask with said beverage, and proceeded to serve them tea. Pretty much as requested, I might add.

It’s ironic because on the back of their bright yellow jackets it says ‘Corruption is Evil’ or some sh!t. Join me in Laughing My [Farding Grass] Off. Anyway, what I do to be even more evil is make them know that I’m only going in for 15mins; sufficient fuel to get their worms all giddy. Only to come back and demand a ticket from them. Ain getting no 'chai' from me. However, one time this little routine of mine almost backfired horribly on me. I was at Equity bank on Mpaka Rd; when I pulled up and parked, there was no parking official in site so I figured I'd just run in and run out. Easy enough, right? Big [pimping] mistake! The line at benki ya mwananchi was maybe 8 people long, and right before I get to the front the askari runs in and goes “Boss! Ganjo wana funga tire yako!” 

So being the naturaly paranoid individual I am, I run out there immediately, jump into my car, turn it on as the guy's reaching for my wheels with his chain and throw it in reverse! “WE KIJANA!” he yells, “NITATAFUTA GARI YAKO WESTLANDS MZIMA, NA NITA IFUNGA MAHALI YOYOTE!”. Did this [grass]hole just threaten to target my car and boot it?! No way Jose! I immediately throw it back to the spot, get out, go right to his face and tell him - as nicely as I can say it at the time without losing my cool and falling for his sh!t - “Gimme the ticket”. His expression immediately morphed into some cross of Tom Cruise's crazy face and Kim Kardashian's botched botox reaction; this was the same guy who just tried to avoid being booted, and rather than pleading for more time in the bank with some ‘chai’ he asked for a ticket. Yes, I 'won' that one. 

Soon as he gave me the ticket, in all my frustration and anger, I flung the driver’s door open, threw the ticket in the cabin, and slammed the door shut. For all I know that ticket was under the brake pedal, but I was way too pumped up on adrenaline to even display it. But the moral of this story is: [Duck] those degenerate City Council apes...they are horrible oompla loompas.

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