RULEBOOK OF A PLAYER

by Theo McCheatskin 

I am a man of easy ‘virtue’. I am the kind of man that wants to literally bed any girl he sees walking in the street. I am that man who gives Men a bad name. Though calling me a slut in this overly sensitive world would be derogatory. How about we settle for part-time-lover… That’s just about subtle enough. 

Hi. I am Thedd. And I am a man-whore. Sorry, I meant to say ‘part-time lover.’

Urban Dictionary defines me as "a male that has several key attributes. A typically young (18-25) male who dresses in designer clothing, carries multiple cellphones, has become a master of manipulating women, and makes it his personal mission to sleep with as many different women as possible qualifies as a manwhore. He also has virtually no emotional attachment to any of his victims. The reputation of manwhore makes gaining new potential victims somewhat difficult, so most manwhores are forced to switch territories and stomping grounds frequently. However, even in familiar environments, many manwhores can continue to get laid by playing the "I'm misunderstood, or "I'm just pissed and acting out over a bad breakup" card. A true master in both deception and cunning, a manwhore is any "good girl's" worst nightmare come true."

The reason we are here today is to sow our wild oats. If you are thinking commitment, think of her ten years from now: Yes, even Wambui Otieno would look better. When the make-up can’t even salvage the accident of a face she has. And you ask yourself: How did it come to this?

Reminder:

1. You were tipsy, she was horny. 
2. You sealed the deal, like you were supposed to. 
3. Then you made a mistake, called the next day. That, you were not supposed to do. 

Years later you are walking down the aisle. You are trying to convince yourself that maybe, you will get used to how she looks like in the morning. After all, that is all marriage is about - Tolerance. I care a great deal, and that’s why I wouldn’t want you to end up caged for life in a sex-free union. Marriage leads to the death of your libido and the birth of immeasurable responsibilities. Whoever said settling down was a signature of maturity must have been one unintelligent bastard that couldn’t charisma his way up a girl’s skirt…

So just in case you wanna avoid that inevitable retrogression into the futility of your fruit, I suggest you open up your little black book and take note:

1. Never take her to your crib.

Should the worst come to the worst, she will not know anywhere else to go but back to her place. And by worst case scenarios I’m talking pregnancy and an STI that you may have contracted from Ciku (many whores I know usually go by that name, so no disrespect meant to all namesakes) and spread it to X in the heat of the moment when the rubber bursts.

2. Never introduce X to your friends.

This makes the dumping and playing easy. When you have mutual friends and you are spotted with another girl, word will get back to her. And try make up as many excuses when she’s eager to introduce you to her friends. Girls are controlled by their moods, so get her out of that mood. I don’t know, make her cranky...do something. But whatever you do, please don’t do her friends (And I don't mean this in a sexual context)!!

3. Act dumb.

This always works. When she says something intimate like

WHERE ARE WE HEADED?

Say:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

You know what she means alright but make her repeat herself and she will get bored at some point and switch the topic. If she keeps repeating, then ask her back:

WHERE ARE WE, TO BEGIN WITH?

Say you wouldn’t want to jump into conclusions.... Stupid will always sail you through to the next day.

4. Never perjure yourself.

Wait for the verdict. Like if you were with another girl then next day X asks suspiciously: What were you doing last night?? Don’t rush to answer, ask her the same question back and see how it goes. But never admit to anything or act like you are guilty; women are like private investigators, they usually pick up on the slightest of clues. So until she pronounces her decree, please, act cool.

5. Never explain yourself. 

Be brief. When narrating a happening, try and limit yourself to minute details. Women are beautiful liars: they can really be economical with the truth in a million ways: faking an orgasm during sex; telling you she’s only slept with six men in her life (when in actual sense she’s swiped so many ‘cards’ that even an Equity Bank ATM machine has nothing on her); the yellow kid who’s a midget is yours (when you are darker than night and taller than a Sud)...

Men on the other hand forget the lie as soon as it leaves the mouth; tripping over your fibs is only too easy. Therefore it is important that you give minimal tit tidbits that you can easily track back to.

6. Don’t do sleepovers.

Girls get quite comfortable once you let her spend at your place. Once you’ve let her sleep in on the first night, she won’t be sure how to act. Second time: maybe it was a rebound. Third time: oh boy, you just gave her the keys to your place. I forgot my bra; I forgot my panties; oh, my toothbrush etc…

Fact: Women never forget. In reality, the same manner a dog pisses around to mark its territory; X is strategically laying down her tracks and sinking her claws deeper into you.

7. Wear rubbers all the time.

X says she’s allergic to rubber, I say I’m allergic to babies. No matter how much she claims to be faithful or into you thou shall not proceed into her in-zone with night goggles off. It’s a jungle in there, with militant commandos such as Syphilis and Gonorrhea looming in the shadows camouflaged and all. And there are some psycho chics (Yes, I presume you thought the era of the baby-trap was long gone) Reality check: It’s not, some crazy mannerless senseless hopeless women still pop out these creatures to lay claim to your future earnings (Women have a knack for telling who’ll make it to a somebody in the future, like they are fortune-tellers of some sorts)

8. Jealousy is a vice.

Pay no mind to whatever she does in a bid to make you lay claim to her. I don’t know what it is with women and wanting to be treated like @$$-ets. She’s getting cozy with some guy at the bar, or on the dance floor and keeps glancing in your direction, hoping, waiting. DO NOT make a move or cast a glance in her direction. If nothing happens...she’ll subconsciously write you off in her mind as a lost cause, or a bad debt in case you tapped that. Women don’t like undecided 50/50 men. They like their men decisive on what they want; by not being decisive about wanting her to just yourself, she’ll figure that you just aren’t that into her and her “settling” antennae will be switched off to your waves.

9. Shallow. 

Never engage in intellectual conversation or show any signs of being a big thinker. Be the average blonde bloke who talks about the most inconsequential of things e.g. the clubs, matatus...anything nonsensical. (Note: This is after you’ve had her and not before. On the first instance acting this way could repulse her.) The only depth you are allowed to delve into deeply, is hers.


10. Bang her as soon as you can. 

Dragging a one-nighter could be detrimental and catchy-feely, on her part that is. The first night is the only ideal. If it doesn’t work out on the first, try lock it down on date number two. If this goes beyond a week, count your losses and move on to the next one.

+254: Breaking The Code.