Friday, June 24, 2011

BEER & CHARACTER - Just another email forward

 I received this email forward and it made my day in more ways than one...My bet is it'll do the same with yours. Few edits hapa kule kama kawaida. Ps: I drink the Arthur...

Did you ever know that the beer you take defines your character? brief research has confirmed so and here we go....

This is for the mlevi mwenyewe, the guy that doesn't get drunk. If you see a guy taking Guinness Kubwa kwa club, huyo ni msee wa kunywa vitu zingine za ajaabu akiwa mtaani, the sort of Napoleon, Kane Extra na King King. The guy has landed on Guinness kwa bar coz its the most lethal drink there. It is also claimed it has hidden libido powers; guys are advised to take three Guinnessess before heading home for their conjugal rights. So if you see a guy alone drinking Guinness, just know hes getting lucky tonight.  
If it's a chick taking a Guinness, achana na yeye. Those are the types we call wrong  numbers. Those that go to Monte Carlo and Club Chemil for reggae anaeza kupiga ngumi if you touch her inappropriately.

Ahhh, Tusker, easily the most consumed brand in Kenya. Guyz who take tusker enjoy their time, enjoy their beer, and usually down it with nyam chom. They are the sort of people you hear entered a bar and left 36hrs  later walking straight. Are easily identifiable with their huge vitambis / dumboz.

AND there is the other Tusker consumer who doesn't belong there. Will usually order a Tusker when in nice hang out joints to portray the image of being a gentleman. These are the type of  people who frequent backstreet pubs huko Riverroad for their dosage of Keg and some funny poisons before proceeding to the nice joint. Are the sort of guys who get really wasted and start puking after four Tuskers coz that mixture is like oil and water, it's never going to happen.

A chile taking Tusker is just confused, most probably ni chips funga.
White Cap Lager, Light
Not every Tom, Dick and Harry's beer; it's got class with its name. So don't be surprised if your local doesn't stock it. And if it stocks it, that crate might stay there for months and will be consumed only when other beers are out of stock, and it's 12 midnight when guys are higher than kites. Belongs to the category called reserve beer.

Consumers of this brand want to establish themselves as people who have made it; in most cases, they've actually made it in life. So if you are a struggling mlevi who drinks on credit, this beer is not for you. You may, however, go for the smaller deadlier and cheaper brother, Allsopps.

The drink that is associated with 'class and sophistication'. Loads of nonsense I must say; people who drink this beer just want to stand out of a crowd, and Sierra beer also falls in this class. These are typically the people who run to every other new offer that hits the market, like the new zain 3 bob calls. If a Steam engine was packed in a trendy green bottle, Tusker malt guyz would have switched alliances faster than you can say 'mayai mboilo'.

So next time you go out, be wary of that chick you're tuning whos drinking Tusker Malt, she's more likely to be sliced. Most guyz drink this stuff to create the impression of a cool guy, but once he hits the usual backstreet bars, utashangaa vile Ka-half ya KC huisha na sip tatu.

Yeah, the typical jamaaz beer, and most probably always high all the time. These are dudes and duddetes who lived the mad session jams, were in boarding school bla bla bla, etc etc etc. To sum it up, all confused teenagers and campus students take this beer. And be wary of Pilsner takers...these are the people who are all over the floor dancing some styles whose origins only God Knows; they are the dudes who think they can slice your fiancee with their dance moves, the guys who puke all over the toilets...yeah you get the point.
Only silly and immature people take Pilsner. And the leading distributor of this brand has to be Tacos, a silly and immature nightclub.

For the ladies ambao wako na nyege, who need to get laid that night and soonest as possible, hata kama ni kwa gari, bora hiyo shuma iingie. Guys who take this stuff are on high grade weed or something; research hasn't come up with a logical explanation for  this. New records have been set with this brand by broke ladies who are out to be bought drinks. Sample these statistics.

  • Longest duration to consume one bottle. Wait for it.... 8 hours!
  • Highest number of girls sharing one bottle: 5 ladies (from Buruburu, he he...Mutulu!)
  • Survival tactics: dancing all night, preferably next to loaded jammaz.
                                    drinking with straws, refilling with water, swapping half empty bottles with full ones.        
  • Most horrific moments: The waiter taking your bottle while still a quarter way full.
  • Merriest statement: Waletee hawa wasichana mbili mbili, ama u want how many?

For reserved ladies who'll get wasted slower than their Black Ice counterparts, but will still get laid anyway. Has a survival tactic, though rarely used. And that's refilling it with Ice Berg, you wouldn't notice the difference in those dark pubs you frequent.
Finally, if you partake any of the undermentioned concoctions, then you are definitely a kamlevi in the making. Scratch that. A Major Mlevi in the Made!

Napoleon aka naps, napizo, Emperor, Nappy Boy
Kenya King aka king king,
Visa aka ndauo aka maathai
Keg aka cupling
Kane Extra
Ice Berg
Black and White aka greatwall  etc
You are the type that goes to clubs only when wasted enough to see double; the type that goes to bars to dance whole night till morning light; the type that gets wasted at backstreets before venturing for lap mwenda in clubs; sportsman is definitely your preferred cancer stick; and often the word "half life" (half a cigarette saved for later) is equated into that cancer stick; you probably know the pickpockets in clubs if you are not one; you probably drink two beers mpaka asubuhi; the type that harasses women on dance floors, the type that pick up fights in bars etc etc. The list goes on and on till Uhuru and Ruto confess. Yes, I'll wait. In short, you are the type that make people not to enjoy their drinks and nights out.
So whatever your choice, go on, get wasted, I'll definitely be judging you by the pint you drink.

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