Monday, May 27, 2013

A How-To Guide to Socialite Sorcery in Kenya

There have been numerous accounts by pro-tourism and wildlife service agencies that point to the fact that local tourism has largely been unsuccessful in Kenya. Our art and craft industry is testament to this little-opposed fact that the tourism industry thrives purely on outside influences. 

Which is why we jump out of our foreskins when these forces threaten to throttle the industry with negative travel advisories. However, local tourism is in fact very much alive in Kenya; these agencies have simply been looking in the wrong direction, at the wrong species of wild life.

This post attempts to illuminate the sexist socialism freaky business of being a Socialite; granted, the vulnerabilia of many a woman's fingers may be tempted to form a collective middle finger guard of honour for us today, but in the immortal words of Kermit the Frog, Ukweli Usemwe (truth be told).

We will, with my friend and Guest blogger for the day - who incidentally goes by the name B'Jay - tell you what it takes to work at the Kenya Nut Company... 

The job requirements for a place in said industry suck, among them being a degree from It-actually-doesn'-exist University. In fact, we're rather sure that the only place higher and degree come together in the art of sexual socialism being a Socialite, is under the cover of the charmed rich men who fuel this market.

They say one night in Bangkok is enough to make a hard man humble...erm, nuh. One night IN Socialite, however, is what it takes, as we explore below, to structure a JD for this bedding budding profession. A sprinkle of beds, couches, mostly back seats, some tubs, and kitchen sinks have also been known to make for an interesting past employment list! 

Disclaimer: the views about to be expressed, while fully endorsed by this blog, do not represent any notion that using sex to get ahead in life is a crime. No. If anything, the management of el blog is working very - erm - hard to make it into the Socialite client list. Like Eminem, we hope that soon enough we 'can be your Superman,' Socialistas.

Here comes the BJ!

Guest Post by B'Jay: Job Requirements for 'Being a Socialite'

When you did your KCPE, you had big dreams of being big things, right? At 14 years old, you had to choose a career title that did not make sense. Many wanted to be neurosurgeons and other hard words. 

Now don't you pretend you never wanted to be an "orthopediatrician!" 

See my point? Just the title gives it prestige. Lately though, I have seen the emergence of a more prestigious career. See, why struggle so hard to be an orthopediatrician when you can simply be a socialite? 


You should be a graduate from That-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named University. Any paper would do, BSC, CPA, IT, CCNA, TNA, ODM, LOL, SMH, SLAP (Sounds Like a Plan)... no one will care much.

You should have a backside. In the village where my folks came from, the backside had to be enough to cast a shadow in the entire hut when a female stood in the doorway. 

Back then, the backside was a measure of how well you can carry two pots from the river, one on your head and the other well balanced hands-free on your tushi (well, I am sure it wasn't called a tushi back then, but you get the point).  

In short, your tushi should cast a shadow, balance a pot and make you twice as tall while seated as you are while standing. Third qualification is you ought to be blonde. Being a Socialite is an equal-opportunity employer and blondes are not discriminated upon.

  • A Socialite must have prior experience in tweefs. Tweefs are twitter beefs. A twitter beef is simple. 
  • Step one; mention someone you dislike on your tweet. 
  • Step two; politely say that if she were a gardening tool she would most likely be that one used for digging. 
  • She will give you a mention and say you have been passed around more than a Sheesha hose. 
  • You will then name five of her boyfriends and how they had massive irregularities in bed. 
  • She will name six of yours and quantitatively compare some section of their anatomy to a matchstick. 
  • It will go on and on, but job done. 
  • Further experience in having nude photos on the web is not essential but is an added advantage. 

Perks and Benefits

Well, you become a role model to many. Sometimes even an actual model.

You get to have Twitter followers and Facebook friends and you grace the pages of Ghafla and Pulse. 

You get to drive big cars and own big phones that your average orthopediatrician does not own. 

You get to change your name. Forget it that you were born Truphosa Wepukhulu wa Gathua. You will now be popularly known as Truce W. Getty. 

You get to travel the world and see places with exotic names. Bangkok (ahem) will be your most traveled destination.

Hobbies may include nut-cracking, wet t-shirt contesting, bone collection, swallowing - erm - milk, milking heifers, listening to and living Nelly Furtado's Maneater and Promiscuous Girl...really, anything salacious.

Job Definition and Roles

Erm... No one knows what a"socialite" is or does but the pay is certainly much more than that of your average orthopediatrician.

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