Homo? No Homo. Yes?

Conversations between Opinionated Guys - Straight meets Out ~ Featuring @french_freddy and @KenyanPhil

For this next piece, I almost talked my brilliant Editor Mama on this here One Story, aka Storymoja hearspace, into deleting my bio down there ↓.

Or at the very least, wanted her to replace the comprehensible alphanumerical flow in it, where the numerics are silent, into something illegibly encoded:   ˬ͏֤֟؁؏قٲڂڳ ↓ 

[I hereby declare that a fatwā on my mOngol should there be any iconic Arabic icon somewhere in there would be way too rash, brush and rush…]

For over a month, and certainly longer than I’ve been Wazaing Dunias, akaImagining Worlds with Storymoja Africa for the Hay Festival this September, I have contemplated writing with a gay Kenyan I met in a group called Sanaa, aka Art in Swahili. Story Moja, Sanaa. Waza Dunia. Quite the Swahili Teacher today, amn’t I? [I’ll presume you SWIDT – See what I did there?]

Digressions aside, it was not, and never will be, the fact that he is and has been gay for much longer than I even knew the gays existed, that led my hesitations. Nope, nosiree! It was something less, maybe more sinisterly cynical than it. 

His writing scares the shit out of me. Now I realize that visual commentary about a gay guy doesn’t exactly whet your appetite for what’s about to follow, so to ease your pain and decision-making, let me now play you Should I stay or Should I go, by The Clash:

Should I stay or should I go? 

Always tease tease tease

Siempre – coqetiando y enganyando
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
Me arrodilla y estas feliz
One day is fine, next is black
Un dias bien el otro negro
So if you want me off your back
Al rededar en tu espalda
Well come on and let me know
Me tienes que desir
Should I stay or should I go?
Me debo ir o que darme

Now that we’re done with that nifty nitty gritty itsy bitsy little icky, I have two ideas that me and Phil ARE GONNA write together. They’re both bold moves on my part, sorta pedestrian on his, with the first being the easier pill to shove down my friends’ and readers’ mouths.

Project 1: To do a sorta comparison between what growing up knowing that you’re gay – as a guy – and growing up knowing you don’t subscribe to society’s expectations of manhood – obviously, also, as a guy. The obvious stereotypes will be examined. The assumption that that guy you know, who doesn’t do the weird things guys are supposed to – say sleep with every lassie that bats a good eyelid – is gay. The assumption that that gay guy in the closet – the guy who walks, talks, thinks, dresses, takes and says IT like a gay guy – is not gay, because it better suits YOUR sensibilities.

I want to bring out the dynamics of that straight guy, always hating that he was thought of as a lesser man; sometimes, stereo music typically so, even thought to be gay as a result. I want to juxtapose it to that of the gay guy who has to act straight and hate it all the way; until both finally embrace their personalities…come out, so to speak. It will be the whole 81 miles, forget 9, in my view.

The next piece would be the more controversial one. Because once this little piece is done, I would then want us to do a second piece, one in which we explore what goes on in the mind of a gay guy as he ‘turns’ a straight, and what goes on in the mind of a‘Virgin Adonis’ before his first ‘sinkable’ voyage…it should ideally be in a bedroom setting.

Now I know what went through my mind as I got into my gay friend’s bed for the first time, but I have no clue what goes on after the acceptance, so to speak, of a shagging; so I’d be banking on Kenyan Phil’s ‘sexpertise’ on that, for lack of a better word (who are we kidding?).

I’m glad to say that Kenyan Phil (it just occurred to me that maybe Kenyan Phallusy would be a better name for him, no?) nodded and said “Aїe! Caramba!” to both pieces. Now we can start working towards ‘pitching tent’ and ‘bouncing balls’ of ideas off each other.

Here’s a quick recap of what he had to say when he responded:

Hey Freddy?

Thanks for writing me. I am totally lost on some things you wrote and I will try and get a clearer picture. So you would like me to write about growing up with the realization that I was gay, then you do the part about not subscribing to society’s expectations or do I do both? I don’t seem to find a part I can start on. Yes I grew up, yes I realized I was gay etc… I just lack a base.

I did a shared post once and I did great when I was presented with questions which can then become a story.

Make sense?

In the next one, by ‘turn a straight’ you mean sleep with a ‘straight’ person? Give me questions man, ask the questions you want, ask them all, and don’t hold back.

I feel you have the idea you want to see through, but it is taking a tad bit long to cum to me, make me understand, get me on your page…..

Have a great evening!!

And since the headline already gave you an idea of what this was gonna be, here’s what I said back:

Hey there matey?

(Is it wrong that I keep feeling like I can ignore the reservations I usually have with calling guys this coz it’s YOU? Calling a guy mate, just, erm, stereos and typos…)

I tend to lose people when I go unabashedly no holding back with them, so I’m glad that did not hold you back from responding, or, God forbid (irony), allow it to piss you off. I’m a highly unstructured being.

You may notice that every time I’ve done a guest blog post, like today, it’s usually with the “you write your thoughts and I’ll respond sorta mind set”… I know that can be a problem with flaws in flow, so let me attempt to answer you. You’ll be Skip, I’ll be Yule M2, aka YMM…

Act 1/ Scene 1: Clothes drop, mind free, fingers numb…aaaand sextion!

Skip: So you would like me to write about growing up with the realization that I was gay, then you do the part about not subscribing to society’s expectations or do I do both?

Yule M2: Yes, you do the growing up and realization you were gay, and I do that about not subscribing to expectations. However, as I read what you write, I will throw in suggestions of my two cents, and you can do the same with mine.

Skip: I don’t seem to find a part I can start on, yes I grew up, yes I realized I was gay etc… I just lack a base.

YMM: Start from the part I would think would be interesting to straightees looking in, like me. What did you do during Cha mama Cha baba*? What was nursery school like? Any mixed feeling then?

What was your first kiss like? Was it with a girl or with a boy? Differentiate the emotions in both if you’ve had both, and if you have, also differentiate between first girl and first boy kiss.

What, finally, did it feel like to be out in the open? Do your parents know? (Obviously, I think, they do) How’d they take it? When’d they finally accept it? And you?

Skip: I did a shared post once and I did great when I was presented with questions which can then become a story. Make sense?

YMM: Makes perfect sense matey, in fact could you send a link to the story and maybe provide me the questions asked?

Skip: In the next one, by ‘turn a straight’ you mean sleep with a ‘straight’ person? Give me questions man, ask the questions you want, ask them all, and don’t hold back.

YMM: Yes I do mean it. Did you look at the straight and go “I love him” or “I wanna jump his bones”?

What was his reaction? (I want a story of triumph here, so think back to the guy who tried valiantly but failed to keep your advances off).

When you got to (bed, back seat, tub, kitchen sink, Jacuzzi, rooftop, club toilet *choose one as appropriate*) did he flinch?

(Please let that be a yes… a *puss in boots hands clasped in front of him in prostration to God* sorta please)

What did you do to convince him? How, if he was a ‘virgin’ did he react? Any yelps in pain? Any blood? (I know, call me ignorant)

And finally, after sleeping with him, did you toss him out or did he do you? As in kick you out, he’d clearly already done you. Or you him. What were the two scenarios like?

Or are you Kid Cuddly after c’anal’ knowledge? OK (this one you can lenga if you don’t wanna say) and finally, the idea that anal opens up the faucets and you can’t hold your sh!t together after you do, true?

Skip: I feel you have the idea you want to see through, but it is taking a tad bit long to come to me, make me understand, get me on your page…..

YMM: I hope that helps bruh….does it?

Skip: Have a great evening!!

YMM: And a good morning to you too. You write like an angel man, I have to say, then realize the irony, stereos and innuendo in that statement.

One love matey

(To Be Continued in 1 month's time)

About the writers:

Fred Wambugu, preferably known as Freddy, is a writer/ entrepreneur with a liking for agro ways. Both the loud-mouthed, angry “for no reason” and the arable kinds.

When not farming or talking, Freddy owns of a hard-hitting anything-goes blog, the Diary of a Serial Schizo, is an Industry and Market Researcher with Eronia Inc Ltd. and is the founder of inThync Kenya. 

For more details on the writer, he has suggested that we tell you to scream at him on @french_freddy or Yule Mbois Mndialala. 

Disclaimer: He will holler right back. Loudly. Or lovably.

In other News, does a bio need to have an ‘I’? 

Find out what, who, why, where, when and how the Kenyan Phil thinks he is here.