Why You Need an Insecure Woman in Your Bed

Because pussy.

Plain good old Hawaiian punani, coochie, cunt, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. And lots of it.

In fact, I was gonna tell you why you should date insecure women, but then...date? Why the fuck would you wanna do that to yourself? You cannot possibly think, my nigga, that you have what it takes, should have what it takes, to deal with her demented assortment of fractured battered esteem issues.

If you do, even think you do, shurrup! and take a seat. This first lesson is free, save for that glass of whisky you need to walk out and acquire - go all G4S a bank if you must - to properly digest this here wisdom a brother's laying on you.

Right now. Go.

Seriously. Go fill it up. I'll wait.

______________________

Now that we have your inebriating attention, why insecure women?

Well for one, she doesn't have an opinion. Even when she develops a brain and grows a voice, she keeps both to herself. The ideal woman. On occasion she shares them with her friends Udaku and Lil Yule Spreader. But not you.

Idyllic? Of course. She will never once say no, for one. When you want it, she knows to want it too. Like a scene from your favourite porn flick, she will do whatever you want, her face revealing absolutely nothing on just how much she doesn't wanna be there.

Why? Because she has a pathological need to be needed, that's why.

However, for those rare moments where the parallax error her height disadvantage on you allows her to think herself your equal, to look you in the eye - doh! - a few items for your arsenal will hereby be enumerated...

1. A devil of a tongue.

This asset will, like an assegai, allow you to take a stab at her bag full of inadequacies - which she conveniently reveals as you court her.

Like an assegai, it will allow you to be close enough to pick up her pieces and piledrive her to bed in a flash. Instances where this is effective include, but are not restricted to:

"It's easy to see why he left/ beat/ cheated on you."

"I gave up on so many other options to be with you."

And a personal favourite:

"Don't start your usual pouting. I can't stand that cry-baby shit."

2. A fist.

This one is not as important as the latter. For one, this one can land you in a cell. Losing you her pussy in the progress.

But who are we kidding; men get away with rape, stripping and defiling young slits before dumping them in latrines like the poop they are. So save the fist for a rainy day, when you need a sparring partner who returns no punches (coz What Would Jesus Do?)

Jail cells are for murder here, occasionally, and chicken thieves. Not violators in the sacrosanctness of blissful houses.

However, this little bit of ammo is not entirely as ironclad as the tongue. Women have been taught that physical violence is a no-no, so her latent brain may at some point pick up on that bit of annoying man-hating feminist noise.

And? You lose her pussy.

3. An apology.

I can hear you scoff, nigga. Take a sippy, lad because when it comes to apologies, you will want to be as choice and rare as her force of will is.

In the immortal words of Usher - a god of pussy ways himself - she came to give it to you. It ain't what you do, it's what you do it like.

This one can only be best illustrated with a case scenario.

Say she comes to a party with just a male friend. You need to assert your authority over that piece of ass you call yours. Property rights and that jazz. You need to, in no uncertain terms, use that snake of a tongue to backlash her into submission about it.

Now - and this is the important bit so put that glass down - when the tables turn, cue the apology.

Say she complains when you:

a) make her walk/ drive you all the way to a club,

b) leave her at the entrance and tell her to make her way home,

c) and proceed to waltz into the club to catch pints with two female workmates,

d) thereby making her cry all the way home;

say that you are sorry.

When she points out how you acted when it was her with just-a-friendly guy, tell her that you understand, and that you are sorry she felt the need to cry about it.

It ain't what you say. It's what you say it like.

After all, she needs your affirmation like a fat kid loves cake. She ain't going nowhere. Remember how I said you would get lots of pussy? Well, apply these steps and you need no more resolutions in 2015.

Because you will have a lot of her pussy this way, those two work colleagues', and at the end of it all, whatever she says you can throw back at her. You don't even need to hide your passwords and phone and shit.

Show her what you are doing and she will still cling on to you for dear breath. Fuck her best friend, hell, the one chick whose sight she cannot stand even - she will stay right there, loyal. Fuck what Chris Brown says about it. Fuck her after a particularly lovely date with a chick who did not put out, because blueballs sting...and she is always available.

At this point, grasshopper, you will be thinking about karma. Nope. She is not real, ergo no bitch.

Your life is what you make of it.

I would rather be ScarJo watching Timberlake whine like a little bitch about what goes around coming back around. Coz YOLO. Who cares if the car crashes at the end of the scene and you, ScarJo, die? Who says that shit has anything to do with anything?