Monday, March 14, 2011


by Theodore Onyango on Thursday, 18 November 2010 at 21:14

The word man will only be typed once in this piece. There goes. Viewer discretion is advised. Yes. You are viewing the mind of a special Kenyan. 


Many a times, I have heard scores of m*% pronounce unsavoury statements relating to the female species. Say for instance: girls don’t love boys, girls love cars and money ; that behind every fine rich booty lingers a child-support lawsuit, or better yet a divorce settlement. That hidden in the closet of every accomplished old hag is a broke but ambitious boy toy. That woMAN can’t do without m*%. That woMAN needs m*% in order to survive. I beg to differ.

If you’ll indulge me, woMEN are ‘independent’ and make the world go round. As such, woMEN are an obligatory factor necessary for the continued existence of humankind. I, Thedd Onyango approve of this message. And it is with paramount reverence that I present you the continuation of the do's and don’ts when dealing with our esteemed members of the opposite sex:

11. Talk less. 

A wise m*% once told me that girls know within seconds of meeting you whether or not they are going to let you have a bite of the cookie. Anything you say in-between the meet and the sleep is just a bonus and as such you have to know when to shut up; e.g. when she bitches about her guy, never try defending the f%@ker, just nod your head and agree with every single thing she says in spite of how juvenile, dim-witted or ridiculously vexing her utterances may be. Let it linger at the back of your mind: There is a lay at bay.

12. Practice. 

While she is still contemplating on whether or not to un-clutter her legs and let you swipe your visa card, you should by all means be sowing your wild oats. I mean, you wouldn’t want to hound her a$$ for months like a Texas sheriff tracking down a Mexican who just sneaked across the border only to be a fast-arriver when she finally lets her pants fall down to the floor. Act like a swine, rummage through all the skirts you could possibly sniff through so that by the time you get to her, the tricks up your sleeve would so tickle her cat to the point of no return.

13. Never show her you have money. 

Chics can tell whether or not you are baked. New money is fond of showing itself off to be noticed. From your taste and preferences, she will be able to gauge where you lie. Don’t lead her there, let her lead herself. Something to note, if on the first hook-up you take her out to Java/Savannah, you just set the bar too high mate because the moment you take her to Kenchic she will tell her girls, quite simply: he’s lost interest

Plus there are those professional sluts who are strictly out for the cash (okay, we all know for a fact that all girls are after money, but that's a story for another day) who once they discern that you are swimming in paper, they will do everything in their power to let you pat on the cat from a safe distance ensuring you don’t get close enough to contract a scratch for the simple rationale that they know once you play with her cat, she won’t get any more spoils and as such she won’t have any leverage. She knows that once she let's you have that, you will have to go out to the animal orphanage in search of another ‘pet’.

14. Win over her friends. 

Being a smooth talker always works to your advantage. If she is playing hard to get, make sure her friends are eating from the palm of your hand. You have to be a pig at that, because some girls are just out to massage their ego by being admired, more like a store puts on display it’s most attractive items of stock. She wants you to hang on her every word then she will move on to the next or she may hold onto you until that someone she really wants comes along. That's what they call the Monkey-bar, story for another day, though. 

This is where my plan comes into play: Do at least two of her friends and an enemy to even the scores. That way, the time and work you put in don’t go to waste, but instead you have fun while you avenge your bruised self-esteem.

15. Don’t try too hard. 

Girls to some extent like being treated like trash. If you jump at her every whistle and dance whenever she snaps her fingers, you are so not getting some. Women like being made to feel like they are the shit, just be careful not to make yourself feel like shit, in the process…

16. Always be cool. 

A girl likes being the centre of focus, when you on the other hand outdo her at literally all levels from the dance-floor to charming her friends and getting more airtime than she does, dressing better etc. etc. You are painting yourself as a Homo (No disrespect to the homos, if anything I love gays for the fact that they translate to a more cozy ratio of men to women in the mating pool.)  And you may just not get to the peak of the mountain... Be easy, make her feel like she’s the one setting the mood and all the sh*t that comes with it. 

17. All girls are sluts. 

Yes, this is the mind frame you need to foster at whatever time you are about to make your go. Some persons may find themselves in a ‘stiff’ state of affairs with a superhot babe but end up not making progress as a consequence of their conscience whispering in their ear: she’s out of your league.  Come on, someone somewhere is tired of banging that fine piece of a$$ (tell yourself that). See what happened to Halle Berry and Eva Longoria, yeah, I bet that makes you feel better already. Go ahead and do your thing, always remember: You are the one who has the pants on.

18. Girls are dumb. 

They know when, where and how you are lying, but still choose to make themselves believe your every word, so you need not self-reproach and acquire the compulsion to make a clean breast of affairs. Women are certified detectives. Sniffer dogs ain’t got sh*t on them! Let her cipher the fact from fiction and believe what she wants. Women love to hypothesize with their girlfriends, deliberate on and on for hours trying to figure out something that isn’t even there. 

Confess at your own peril!

19. Be touchy. 

Make sure you rub that chic senseless every single second you get. One thing to observe - girls would never let a m*% touch them, if they haven’t contemplated [blank]ing him. So when you talk don’t get all wrapped up in speech, think of it as a play; with appropriate yet essential body contact, get your message across. Like what you are saying has everything to do with her. Though be keen to act like you don’t even notice when you touch her, that way she won’t unravel so soon your hidden agenda and by the time she does, it will be a little too late.

20. Show her you got options. 

Yeah, always flaunt to this girl just how many girls want you, not in a so cocky a manner but in a subtle like it-isn’t-that-much-of-a-big-deal manner. Though be smart to point out unmistakably that she is the subject of the essay, or rather the key witness in your case of courtship. That way she gets to know that she’s merely part of a list and if she does trip even a single step, her position on the list may change.

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