Monday, April 18, 2011

Random Usings by Attilla the Hand

They say that music soothes the mind and placates the soul. I here that it's also the balm that relaxes those of you who cannot result to alcohol at the end of a long day. The rhythm of the beats, the crooning voices within the melodies, and the bold text massage contained in the lyrics...instant bliss intertwined with a few crotchety minims. For this reason, however, I have a bone to pick with the brand of music played today in our radio stations. That, though, is for another day.

Sometimes, however, other than stimulate the dopamine-secreting parts of our brains, music will leave us questioning some of the things we go through. While writing this piece, I'd been listening to an old Eve song, and I realized that we currently have a shortage for the 'ride or die' kinda woman. Curse me in outrage if you must, ladies, but let us do something Kenyans are not known for...let us think logically. Emotions aside, think for a minute; when was the last time you heard of a woman who stuck by her man no matter what?

She sees the peel, and somehow still steps on it   Inset: How come I fell?
By ride or die chick, I do not refer to the type that sticks through abuse, physical or otherwise. Sticking with a man hell-bent on killing you, maiming  you or worse for the sake of “love” is quite frankly on a whole other level of blonde. Ride or die women are the kind that hold you down through the hard times; the type of woman who will stay with you through the air buggers at Jeevanjee, through the CMBs (Chapo Mbili Beans) at the ubandow, through the tarmacking period, through that part of your life where lady luck just decided, 'fuck it...let this dude hang for a while'. Miss Ride-or-die will have sembe skuma for a wiki, and understand when you cannot afford to legally acquire that clutch bag they wanted for one reason or another. 

Am a movement by myself, but am a force when we are together. Get yourself a ride or die woman and suddenly those words will not sound like gibberish. Ride or die women make those words sound philosophical. Ride or die women are who Cecile is talking about in her song Anything. They cook, they wash, make up your bed and clean the house for you. They press your clothes for you, spend their money on you and accept you warts and all.  Ride or die women will stick with you through the rough patches in life. They are the kind who will accept the temptation that a man goes through everyday, and instead of taking it out on us, they will layeth the smack down on the temptation. They keep us from our own suicidal tendencies. 

Ride or die women would never air personal business in public, calling radio stations in indigination. They handle their business indoors, between them and their man.
Ride or die women are the type who undestand that Saturday afternoon is time for us to spend with our other loves. They understand the depth of emotion that is evoked by these other loves and will not keep us from them. These loves differ from one man to the next, and even when talking about them, ride or die women know that they cannot afford to mistakenly or otherwise refer to them by the wrong name. They vary from Man United, to Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Formular 1, Rugby, Gor Mahia and AFC type loves; heck, even hard Tiger's wood and all the hole-in-ones for some people. They understand the depth of passion that flows through us when we are with these other loves, and accept that they cannot compete with them. They accept them and even attempt to get to know them better. Ride or die women will give up a day from their favourite soap opera just because Top Gear is on, and they know the passion that their better halves have for it. 

I could go on and on about the descripiton of ride or die women, but instead, I'll outline the signs to look out for if you're that dude that hasn't quite figured out what to look for:

  • If you have ever spent serious money on your woman, money that you did not necessarily have, and yet at the end of that spending spree, you still felt like it was worth every bit, then you most likely have one of those women. 
  • If your woman appreciates the effort you go to in order to do some of those things that other women take for granted, like actually hang out with her in public, then you may have a ride or die woman. 
  • If you ever sat with your boys and listened to them lament about the things their women make them go through, and the first thing that came to your mind was “what the hell are they talking about”, then you most probably have a ride or die woman. 
  • If you have ever listened to Bust it baby Part 2 by Plies and it made you smile, because the first thing you thought about as the lyrics to that song floated around in your head was your woman, then you most definitely have yourself a ride or die woman.


  1. @Serendipity - I won't speak for all guys, certainly not for my boy Atilla, but I will speak for me. In my experience she does not exist, and if she does I am yet to meet her. Well, maybe just as a passer-by in the game called life, but never as the guest in it, certainly not as a part of it either.

    But when I meet her she will realize that there are indeed Ride or Die men out here. Quintessentially so.


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