Calling all Assholes - Will the Real SLIME Shady, please stand up?

As we reel in the aftermath of a year long campaign binge laced with the typical sentimentalist sycophancy that characterizes Kenyan politics, as well as a new and mainly middle-class magical thinking that embodied Peter Kenneth's dream of State House, it takes a strong stomach to watch the fairly horrific scenes that have been these past 50 odd days since the election.

From the reactionary barbs that followed President Uhuru's number-crunching win on March 9, there was only one consensus on the nation's direction since then; downhill. For a while, however, there had seemed to be something so completely soothing about keeping the peace and making history while at it. Two of Kenya's bastards, conceived during the colonial twilight hours and birthed despite - if not because of - the near fatal labour pains of anarchy and despotism, had at last triumphed.

We seemed to have forgotten that for over half a century, their skull-like faces had kissed millions of dying children goodbye, after having bludgeoned their fathers to death and raped their mothers as they watched. Mere statistics at this point. Because in one fell swoop, Fisadi and Kabila had conspired to give their country the vainglory of a 'world record' in voter turnout at an election.

That kept the jubilation mobs occupied for a moment. But just as the dynamic duo finished their beers, picked up the shovels and returned to the pile of pungent human mulch at their feet, former Prime Minister Raila immediately declared war his intent to file a petition against the IEBC at the Supreme Court. Cue social media madness, as the tribal groupthink encouraged by both of the top candidates during the campaigns knocked up their cyborgs counsel during the trial.  

The average Kenyan has often been referred to as Wanjiku - or Atieno, Mueni, Chebet, whatever your preference is. But along with the reforms that have seen the e in Kibera deemed surplus to requirements and dragged off to the vowel museum, I suggest we rename Wanjiku. A good literal name for her would be Britney Spears, what with her once iconic invitation to 'hit me baby, one more time.' The only difference between the two being that in Kenya's case, the hits just keep on coming.

Our Supreme Court declared the IEBC's conduct of the elections free and fair, seemingly ignoring what seemed to have been emergent incidences of human error's bias against a bewildered Raila. Kibaki retired to his 6 million-dollar playboy mansion cushioned by a bloated pension, and passed on the baton to Uhuru in a pomp-laden, bowel-moving, taxpayer-funded 3 million-dollar+ inauguration. The combined total, approximately 9 million dollars (KES 800 million), being the exact amount that the Chinese government promised to invest in 2011 to improve Pumwani Maternity Hospital's infrastructure, but that seems not to quite have been delivered yet.

Exit statesman Kibaki stage left from the murky world of politics to celebrate 10 years as Vice President, 5 years as official leader of opposition, 10 years as president, and 50 years of sitting on the fence with a KES 1 million monthly pension, KES 25 million in lump some gratuity, 100 acres of land, and a KES 500 million retirement home. For a man billed as an economic genius, the remuneration figures seemed oddly simplistic in their derivation.

Meanwhile, Raila and co. pulled a diva move, the jet-setters jettisoning their vanquished behinds off to South Africa to "visit" an ailing Madiba. Why we tolerate these assholes - collectively, not just the Cord trio - I would not understand, were it not for the fact that within days of the inauguration, KTN's Jicho Pevu published their tabloid version of 'investigative' tele-journalism, complete with a sensational clip of Ciku Muiruri, who served as their Page Three girl. And what did we do? Like a pack of marauding zombies, we missed the fact that nothing new was aired in the 'epic' episode they aired, and went baying for Ciku's blood instead.

And now, when we're not busy ogling our socialite fashionistas' nudes on Ghafla!'s black trash trailer park, we're busy whetting our gluttonous appetites for bullshit with various opinionistas' drivel, as peddled by the daily rags. All the while we practice our poker faces in the mirror - lest we expose our tribal allegiances out there in the real world - and reserve our damn faces for display as we chide UhuRuto derisively and remark at their oh-so-genuine on-screen chemistry in equal measure. Ok, maybe not exactly equal; perhaps more like in a ratio of "50% + 1 is to others."

A couple days ago, the CIA revealed that Kenyan shoppers have a near religious faithfulness to familiar brands. The CIA, here, meaning Consumer Insight Africa, not Conspiracy International America. If it were the latter, one would only hope they'd go a step farther and correlate that belief in brands to the masses' disregard of their brains in favour of toeing the tribal line. Cord and Jubilee being the brands that command the biggest chunk of that deified belief.

"Honourable" Mithika Linturi vowed to see to it that the constitutionally protected Salaries and Remuneration Commission members are removed, for slashing MPs' salaries (from USD 122,000 to USD 79,000 annually)

In his first speech to parliament, our new president and supreme surveyor went on to talk about opening up a million acres of Kenyan land through irrigation. I half-expected him to mention the 500,000 odd acres rumoured to be in his family's possession - and remarkably, none of it anywhere near a road reserve, where it can be Syokimaud. But that nusu mkate expectation was deluded at best. Parliament quickly set about contorting its body, displaying a staggering level of flexibility as it stuck 290 feet in its mouth, so deep that it could only speak out of its arse. Talk about increasing salaries is unconstitutional, not to mention that this premature ejaculate - directed at a public that is already paying the world's highest rent - is aimed right at our faces.


Uhuru campaigned on a platform of sovereignty, arguing that the international community should not attempt to undermine our right to choose the supreme idiot-in-chief to govern the rest of the idiots in Miss Independent Kenya. And by overwhelming the ballot with votes cast for him, we sanctioned this idea of sovereignty. Which is why it's a bit of a shame that despite the e in Kibera having enjoyed - and still enjoying - massive support in Kenyan lingo (undoubtedly more than 50% + 1), the sovereignty of that e has not been fought for nearly as much. We might want to tighten security for the few other remaining vowels, maybe get them two bodyguards each, lest we end up having to buy mutras and samsas in the streets of Nairbi as we drive our flag-less Subrus and Toytas to work.

Finally, a parting shot to Raila and co. I realize that when your girlfriend of many years dumps you at the altar and marries another abusive guy whose guts you detest, it's only natural to want a rebound girl. What's unnatural, though, is going to your married pregnant ex-girlfriend's house and demanding that her husband surrender his conjugal rights over to you, on account of you having a bigger dick.