Post-Election Insolence: Same Script, Same Cast, Different Lanes (Part I)

April 26th, 2013: 

Under the influence of an inspired State House PR team, and a brilliant presidential speech-writer, I find myself in the unfamiliar position of becoming President Kenyatta’s unofficial fan-boy. And going by my Social Media timelines, it would seem that I’m not the only Kenyan above the ignorance of tripping over myself at what must be this president’s burliest mascot – his smoke, pun unintended, and mirrors.

There was the YouTube video of bloopers from the campaign trail, aired live on Citizen TV – among other nationwide visual couriers of new agendas. What self-respecting PRO could in their right mind have passed up on that kind of marketing? A nice touch you’ll find available for download at Image-improvementfordummies.co.ke and cleanasababysbottom.com. 

Characteristically much later came the Cabinet Secretary announcements, anticlimactically revealing only four of a possible eighteen nominees. The images depicting UhuRuto with their sleeves rolled up with the red, blue or matching ties could not have been lost on us either, a leaf copy-pasted straight off President Obama’s playbook; as was the setup of the presidential platform at the foot of the pillars of State House, and the “brotherly love” approach to handling the media.

The immediate hullabaloo over this delay in cooking up a cabinet was counterbalanced by equally loud calls for patience, since the process of selection would only do Kenya good, hence requiring diligent input by the two Jubilee leaders. Opinionistas were quick to delve into the matter, adding the fact that it allowed Parliament to begin the vetting process on the four, notably the nominee to the National Treasury. A road sign was quickly erected, reminding us of the immediacy of the budget reading, and pointing directly at President Uhuru’s ingenuity in prioritizing that appointment. Even more pedestrian crossings allowed us to cross the reality that department of state appointments in democracies such as the motherload United States are also conducted in similar fashion. Hail the dapper UhuRuto for style, they said.

After ascertaining that we’d had enough time to mull over this perceived letdown, yesterday happened. The now sixteen member council of nominees’ credentials have since been turned into fodder on massive multi-page spreads in the National Press: a young and virile team of technocrats with the résumés, frequent flier miles and Varsity qualifications – read Diaspora education – to back them. It would be difficult to dig into a good majority of these consummate professionals before they’ve had the onus of a Cabinet track record to look back on; and so for the most part, Kenyans chose to eyeball the two final nominees, who had the ignominy of a hangman’s noose in the form of their past performances hanging over their heads.

It was indeed a masterstroke distinctive of this new regime’s style when the two final nominations came. The execution was flawless…introduce the less-maligning Balala first and fast as Mining Secretary, and what with Kenyan women’s obvious goo goo gaga reactions to both Andrew Kenneth and then-President Elect Uhuru’s son, it was hard to disagree with that logic. Much especially so when one of the bigger stains in Kenya’s conscience – if she had one – was announced next as Lands, Housing and Urban Development Secretary. A fellow blogger went as far as inaugurating the indelible ink used by the IEBC to mark voters’ pinkies as ‘the Ngilu’, aptly summarizing her hard-to-be-rid-of hard-as-nails Die Hardness. 

  

In the interests of being fundamentally unKenyan, however, let’s spot and point out the obvious flaws in this action by the president, and the equal and expectedly opposite overreaction by the public. First off, if the past 7-odd years of Mr. Kibaki’s governance have shown us anything, it’s that we the duly submissive wananchi have an impressively sturdy level of BSc, aka Bullshit compliance. After an initially quasi-smooth beginning to his term, Señor Kibaki’s government began experiencing hit after hit of graft allegations on a grand scale. Cabinet Ministers who would go on to survive both terms in cabinet were at the heart of these scandals, and no less than the Prime Minister, at the time, as well as the current President and his Deputy have since had their fair share of the corruption allegation cake.

Our national ego however quickly massaged our national conscience into submission, cushioned by echoes of a booming economy that peaked at 7 percent+ growth in 2007. Secondly, even after the election violence slammed the brakes on this impressive trajectory in the eve of that year, our precocious National Accord did precious little to bring to account all the evils of the 3-odd month chaos that rocked the country, preferring instead to lock them up in a cabinet of faux peaceful oblivion. I will hereby declare my silence on the awkward little topic of how far up that cabinet’s annals the matter of the two Suspects-in-Chief’s involvement is filed. 

Fast forward through Mr. Kibaki’s second term, right past the fact that the economy has never quite recovered to its pre-07 election pregnancy glow, police brutality caught live on tape, Ngilu’s ‘Kusema-na-Kutender’ government contract policy for her family, and arrive at the fact that these four politicians that will possibly make up Cabinet are a precipitate remnant of the systemic cancer that permeates Kenyan politics. The fact that we’re reacting so strongly to two cabinet ministerial appointments belays the beleaguered truth that the President and his Deputy are not saints either. Their power is so much more potentially weary for Kenya’s economy than a couple of Secretaries could ever be. 

Moreover, there is also the little matter of the illusion of transparency – a cousin to the delusion of maturity that was peddled regarding our peaceful elections. Mock transparency concerts have become a favorite national pastime for us. Initially given to the impression of them simply being a little passing crush, I am wont to keep that false hope up given the vetting committee that awaits this panel of preeminent secretaries. A committee that itself wrought down the Integrity bill to its bare bone to escape vetting. Yet the same institutions that have been vetted include the IEBC (Independent Electoral & Boundaries Commission), the SCoK (Supreme Court of Kenya) and the SRC (Salaries and Regulations Committee) among myriad others. And look how far ahead of the imaginary pack that has taken us! 

Vetting is a superficially pointless attempt at presenting us sanctimonious facades, behind which still sit the deep-seated structural flaws we are yet to take off our collective feet.

So as you and I continue to exercise in our national training grounds for BSc, it would behoove us to continue upgrading our UXp (User Exercise in patience) coz it’s gonna be a long ride. If UhuRuto really wish to preside over a nation devoted to balancing the historically set up equation of inequity, they might want to start by cutting their flair for the dramatic and convincingly turn their images on their heads, and with that, all the attendant melancholy their half-baked policies could inflict on Kenya.

How much BS is too much BS? Kenya is the perfect case study establishing that there is simply no answer to that question. Hopefully in Part II remember to bash the insidious Cord leadership, but for now, this seems sufficient.

    On a sidenote: 

      Of course I too thought the appointments yesterday represented one region, and part of one region alone. Runda, Nairobi. Or Muthaiga et al. The nominees have a lot in common with President UK, not least in their overwhelming affinity for the Queen's language, and an inescapable half Kikuyu + Kalenjin composition. And before you jump on my throat, I am a Kikuyu, so by stereotypical thought I readily admit to being a thief and first cousin to the president. 

That being outta the way, what I'd like to add is the fact that we need a rollerskating kinda cabinet, not a credentialist/ tribalist kind. Credentials follow the set norm. As does tribalism. Rollerskating needs you to practice being on the board - and granted, fall off it as many times as Edison's light bulb moments anti-orgasmed - till you find a way to stay on top of the board. And begin to muster it.

The Struggle Within, The Struggle Without: #OccupyParliament [Part II]

"Assembly, demonstration, picketing and petition.

37. Every person has the right, peaceably and unarmed, to assemble, to demonstrate, to picket, and to present petitions to public authorities."

 Continued from part I

All well and swell, were it not for the fact that some overzealous protestor(s) went round, intimidating fellow protestors by threatening to ‘beat them down’ with their placards if they did not sit down. 

I walked across the road at this juncture; about 10 meters from where the protestors sat. The interpretation of peaceably and unarmed  seemed to be persistently tested by loose nuts in the crowd repeatedly. Not once, by the organizers, however.

By now, the show-of-force shock-and-awe campaign by the police forces was becoming more and more effective in its choreography; horsemen galloping past protestors and back again, trucks full of GSU - as well as Riot - policemen, cruising back and forth.

• I had been consistently expressing my reservations to Aficionado, and as I watched the Swine Truck back up towards Parliament, we mused at what was going on. As soon as I realized there were pigs in the truck, correlating the pigs to the chants on slaughter, I expressed my hope that it was not going to be slaughtered pigs on display.

One of the men next to me, apparently fed up with my bickering, turned on me with a barrage of bullets disguised as words. Questioning my ‘allegiance’ and basically giving me the ‘if you’re not for us you’re against us’ speech. 

Two things: 

I will never sit and watch in silence as something I believe is wrong goes down.

And, at the end of the day, symmetry is overrated. 

I was not there to join protestors, but there to protest. For Kenya, not for Occupy Parliament, so to speak. That is to say that some of the protestors could be wrong, and I wouldn't have had to join them in being wrong. 

But Kenya, whether wrong or right, I had to defend. 

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world. And while she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles

-          Nine Days

• When the pigs were finally let out, the first thing I saw was the pighead held high, bloody where the neck had been cut. I have since come to learn that the pighead was not part of the protest. Not by the protest organization’s doing anyway. A madman in this market had thought it striking imagery to bring the head with him. 

And it was, striking imagery. 

An image that struck back.

Because, I maintain, this is what triggered the forceful dispersion of the otherwise largely peaceful protest. This head, added to the blood that was bought by organizers at a slaughterhouse in Dagoretti and poured on the pigs – which then went ahead to have their feel and fill of the macabre display of body fluid – only served to further aggravate the image.

That, right there, was strike 3.

Leave and Bicker

At which point, frustrated at yet another chance to shift perceptions, I left. The fact that this was a successful protest is not in contention here. That it was. Hugely successful, in getting the will of Kenyans across. More successful, in getting across the foot-down-on-them response by this government. 

But the few sour elements, elements that Bonnie and crew could not in truth be expected to control, sallied the display.

I got away, fast and furious, and by the time I got to the Hilton Hotel, the Fire Brigade was headed up Moi Avenue, in a series of beelines and turns, for the protestors.

Hear Jeer, and Sneer

On to Social Media for the due post-mortem then. There were those who sat back, heard others complain about the blood and ‘slaughter,’ and in turn sneered their responses at those who jeered. 

The most common criticism was that we who protested the sideshows in the protest had missed the big picture.

That those who had a problem with how things were done should get off their arses and do something that can be judged, not simply bitch about everything. True.

As you tell 'complainers' what to do, from within the confines of your Internet Security.

That the politicians’ pay rises were what we should have focused on. True.

Yet a sideshow was in fact created, in the way of the pighead. The pigs and blood alone would have been no major issue to me, turned off as I am by blood. The head, though, was overkill. And not the organizers’ fault.

But until Boniface Mwangi explained that yesterday morning, we whose sensibilities were so offended, had no way of knowing that it wasn't.

Like the legend of the phoenix, all ends with beginnings … We’ve, come too far, to give up, who we are. So let’s, raise the bar, and our cups, to the stars…

-          Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers

Hear Jeer, Cheer at Jeer

Then came the pig jokes on Twitter. Which soon accepted and moved on to Facebook and Parliament. Some were admittedly hilarious, but once again, the big picture was missed by Kenyans eager for a Retweet based on the lowest form of wit; ridicule.

Hear Cheer, Jeer at Cheer

Soon enough the people who cheered on the protestors' bravery, in the face of being mauled by the hounds that are our Kenyan anti-riot forces, were subjected to sniggers; one particular tweet referred to protestors as being on the street for their own amusement. 

It’s hard not to lose your cannons when such bullshit flies across your timelines.

They forgot that as they cracked their jokes, deriding the protestors, we – those who were beaten and those who were missed alike – had managed to do something the idle armchair philosophers had not.

We were heard. We could not be ignored.

I had a dream, it was golden. There was a king, he sent soldiers. They had orders to tear us apart. So we ran and ran, and they chased and chased. We were huge, we were tall. They were weak, they were small. And at last we were free, we could save. Sound the horn, call the cavalry. Together we’re invincible.

-          Lemar

In Conclusion, I understand now, what Bonnie and crew, what we, did on Tuesday. They know, they must, that the pigs and blood will be a whip to sensibilities and sensitivities, and a harsher whip to those sprung off their hips. 

Yet, I can only imagine, they have a pragmatic approach to their protest and activism. Bonnie got ribbed by government security once again yesterday, center of focus that he is; but he understands that the good of the many overrides the good of the one.

Until you have done something for humanity, you should be ashamed to die.

-          Horace Mann

We need to end the heartbreak warfare. Lose the grey areas and pick a side. Either you are with the protest or against it. If you are for, then be for; express your opinions either way, but at the end of the day, remember the issues.

Are you still talking about the protest? Some, a good number, are. International and Local Media included. Discourse has been resurrected, a new kind of discourse. A passionate form of discourse, whether for or against, the revolutionary road. That, is victory. 

• On a sidenote, those who were arrested have been charged with animal rights abuse. Do we have animal rights' legislation in Kenya? Like my friend Michael asks here, was the case in which a porn director at the Coast was charged for engaging women in bestiality last week, also charged on animal rights' abuse?

• The police have said that they were forced to act with violence because the rights of Muslims were impinged upon by the use of pigs to symbolize MPs in the struggle. First off, I’m sure it would have made no difference if the pigs were actually vultures shot down and weighed down with stones, so as to not fly off.

And, are we really going to sit here and pretend, in this country, that we give that much of a damn about Muslim sensibilities, in justification of hosing down and tearing up peaceful protestors?

Excerpt from a post on Seven Sentences.

• We each only have 24 hours in a day, but greatness breaks time down, examining each action frame by frame, bringing forth much clarity. 

• The ability to see clearly, prioritize and make great decisions in a heated moment, marks greatness. 

• How can you learn to slow down time? 

• You must learn to relax and become the master of your emotions.

Occupy HELB, says the Fiddler on my Non-existent Roof

Tom, as Rabbi

“Rabbi! Rabbi! Is there a prayer we can say for the Tsar?”

“Yes! May God bless the Tsar…and keep him far far away from us!”

-          Scene III of Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

Dear HELB*, 

(*Higher Education Loans Board)

90%Sold Out, you say?

Where have I heard that sold out threat before? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Every new skyscraper that litters the lines in Nairobi’s horizon has that pitchfork aimed at our sights, long before it’s actually complete.

Every event organizer threatens that advance (cheaper) tickets are about to sell out, despite tickets also being ‘available at the gate’. Every other radio show host will promise you juicy call-in sessions that are (I swear!) unscripted. Safaricom threatened to trap all unregistered trappers in the whole of Kenya oga oh. Digital TV threatened to go ham on Analog TV late last year. 

We’ve become a society that feeds on – nay; gobbles up and hobbles off with, to use pigliamentary language – Public Relations exercises and marketing gimmicks. I have no doubt that this SMS I received from you during the course of this week was inspired by State House’s hyperbolic antics.

Your loan balance is Kes. 888,888 for Idno. 2xyz2abc. Repay your full University Loan by 6^th June 2013 and get a full penalty amnesty; contact HELB - 0711052000

Sender: (no name) HELB 

Received: 18:43:27 0y.05.2013

So allow me to respond in kind, dear no name.

I will not contact you.

As we have already established, I have no money. See text you sent me above. In case you need advance settings on that simple message, I will be willing to assist. Bank statements from my 2 money changers should bring you to tears. I can assure you that they will be no joy drops, either, as the Revenue Authority may well choose to alert you. Simply put, even my Mpesa statement - nay, Okoa Jahazi Account! -  is by and large a casting call for phantasmagoria. *Google is your friend, dear no name*

‘History records that money changers have used every form of abuse, intrigue, deceit, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and its issuance. ’

         -          President James Madison

I am willing to pay.

If I could eat will, I would be one helluva fat man. Complete with the willing wrist and neck chains, glistening with will as I stand on a podium of will, next to the president of will, and chant willingly about the will of the Kenyan workers' ill will against the House of Common thieves. I am sure, however, that you understand that will is not yet a currency. As soon as it is, however, I will more than likely pay you.

‘You can be killed just as dead in an unjustified war as you can in one protecting your own home’

       -          Will Rogers

I have not refused to work.

This is not a statement of my lack of intent to pay. I know you bureaucratic types have a way of selecting what you listen to, and even then you've already filtered out what you hear. 

This is a statement of my lack of ability to pay. 

Show me the money, and I will quickly give it to you. So in the spirit of giving back, and all, how about you give me back my dignity before you attempt to take away my liberty?

‘We don’t have to worry about anything. No nation in the history of the world was ever sitting as pretty. If we want anything, all we have to do is go and buy it on credit.’

          -          Will Rogers

Of course, to quote Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof (the movie), "we don't eat like kings, but we don't starve either."

I will not be threatened.

You said there’s a penalty amnesty? I wish, oh how I do, that I had 2 weeks of my area MP’s salary. The current one, not the one he wants. 

Then I would, in order of priority, buy a quarter acre of land in some Savannah of the un-silicon kind, buy a trailer container, use it to ‘develop’ said kaquarter, buy a mattress and fit it midway into the container, then – and only then – I would send you the change.

In the meantime, take a chill pill as my MP and I negotiate. 

Unfortunately, he is not a cougar (that’s an older woman into younger boys, no name) – and I don’t roll that way, neither does he; I haven’t heard it on Ghafla! anyway. If he was a she, an actual she, not a he-she, I would consider giving him some.

‘A man only learns by two things; one is reading, and the other is association with smarter people.’

              -          Will Rogers

Find yourselves a book. Or else look for smarter people. You’re reading one right now, by the way, no name. Thanks to your Loan, Varsity was a blast. The reading part, the partying part and the women part; we even learnt to do all three at once. Don’t believe me? Google the World’s Loudest Library (@pmbclibrary)

Are you so out of touch with reality, in your penthouse offices and leafy suburban bliss, that you forget why you gave me the loan to begin with? Because I could not pay my way through Varsity on my own; now you’re going to sit there paying for this bulk SMS system, advertising rigorously that I pay ‘or else’?

You are called the Higher Education Loans Board – higher education is pointless if I will not be working anywhere without being either underemployed, or overworked and underpaid. Then you expect me to simply watch as you deep your claws into that piggy bank I call an existence? Whatever happened to a saving culture?

‘We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.’

                 -          Will Rogers

I have a right to peace of mind, and a piece of meat in my daily meal. Not the 3-course you’re on as you demand your money back! And you have the right to a piece of my mind. I’ll try serving you to your fill.

                     

If I were a rich man ... there would be no questions. When you're rich they really think you know

I will put up my own house.

This particular one is a message from my ol’ man. He may be my guarantor, but there is absolutely no way he is paying that loan. He says, by the way, that you can find him on Twitter, and he'll gladly reiterate that sentiment. 

I wouldn’t have it any other way. He builds his own houses, and I will build mine. If that means the penalty (Kes. 5,000 a month is it?) will continue to dig a hole through my as torn pocket, then so be it.

I have after all been out of Campus for two years, and by my estimation of my own worth, I should be paying the Revenue Authority at least Kes. 15,000 a month. That, over a duration of 24+ months means I owe the Government of Kenya at least Kes. 360,000. By my reckoning, I have at least 2 more years before my loan, plus the monthly penalties, gets that far. I can live with that…scratch that; I can SURVIVE with that.

‘Ten men in the country could buy the world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.’

                    -          Will Rogers

Just as I will pay my own bride-price should it come to that, I do not expect to be emasculated any further by having the man who foots my bills when times are thick (whale-skin thickness, not your regular hide) and has fed me regularly over the past 24 months, also have to pay my dues at no name.

***

Incidentally, what is the world coming to when a man has to take out a loan to pay back a loan he was granted as a student loan? Forget interest-free loans, President Uhuru…we want a rebate!

So as we plan to #OccupyParliament in less than 48 hours, I challenge every defaulter who has defaulted not by choice but by lack thereof it, to join me in asking President Uhuru to budget for a government bail-out of we the meek.

I do not seek to ask for a handout. I seek to receive a scrapping on the BS penalty that ignores the fact that I need to earn to pay back my dues. So before any Salaries and Remunerations are upgraded for 400 odd able-bellied men, how about the richest man in Kenya by Forbes’ account help us #OccupyHELB?

Think of it as indemnity for the youth, Mr. President, and your soon-to-be parliament.

"He's right and he's right? They can't BOTH be right!"

"You know; you are also right."

                                       - Fiddler on the Roof 

If we deserve to ‘accept’ your nomination of political devil incarnates who have ‘moved on’ and reincarnated as technocrats, don’t we deserve to also give the youth a second chance to pay back their student loans interest- and penalty-free?

As a man who appreciates more flair and panache in a speech than Kibaki, I’m sure you can relate with this one.

‘There is one thing in common with all revolutions (in fact they are pretty near like wars in that respect) nobody ever knows what they are fighting about!’

                                                  -          Will Rogers

Brand Kenya Thrives on: 'Criminal' President Invited To UK

Full disclosure: This post was in initially intended to roll out dubbed "5 ways an ICC Suspect presiding over Kenya works for us," but the attendant flaws in the statement, coupled with the opportunity for free Content Marketing that arises with the phrase «« 'Criminal' President Invited To UK «« trending worldwide overruled that prospect. That, plus I don't do lists.

So here's how Brand Kenya's thriving on Uhuru's election as president:

Criminal? Meh...

1. The hype - No news is bad news. That's Journalism 101. If anyone has disproven and proven that, it has to be our beloved President Uhuru Kenyatta; in two distinct ways, no less:

a. No News = Bad News

Approached in this way, it can be argued that we already know that Uhuru Kenyatta is a suspected 'war criminal,' what with the talk preceding his election that our choices would have consequences. @TheWorld, we are still waiting for that one to come true, but we're more inclined to believe that sheer pragmatism does not allow for any such eventuality.

b. There is no News that = Bad News

Approached from this perspective, it's a mere matter of looking at how Uhuru Kenyatta's political career received a boost as soon as the charges against him achieved global status. He went from an ignominious typing-error-not-misappropriated-funds Minister of Finance, to a full-fledged political force and undisputed symbol of Kenyan Sovereignty. It's all in the packaging of content and how the story is told. Thank you, @TheWorld. We couldn't have done it without you.

2. Increased Civil Liberties - The laundry is already dirty. It is also already being aired extensively. That's a plus for civil liberties and free expression in Kenya. After all, what could possibly be said about President Kenyatta and his Deputy Samoei that could trump allegedly orchestrating the killing of 1000+ human statistics and displacing over 600,000+ more? Thank you, @TheWorld, for giving me the opportunity to criticize my president and get away with it. Again, probably couldn't have done it without you. [Re: Dennis Itumbi, a Kenyan blogger who was in the last regime arrested and harrassed, somewhat deservedly, for hacking into private networks and releasing information into the public domain, now gets invited to State House. At the very least.]

3. Bragging Rights - Kenya can now tell Zimbabwe, Iraq, Iran, North Korea et al to SUCK IT!! Rome statute my bloody thendecks. That, dear @TheWorld, is to say hiney, posterior orifice or other such colorful words. We still run this mother.

4. Scapegoat vs Against-[t]all-odds - If the presidency fails, we can resoundingly blame foreign interference and create conspiracy theories linking Raila Odinga's foray into @TheWorld with his return and subsequent trouncing of the various institutions that played into Uhuru Kenyatta's election; notably, his allegations of Uhuru's bribery, against the electoral board - IEBC and the Supreme Court - SCoK. If, like water off a duck's back, the charges and resultant hype fall off the shoulders of this presidency's success, then it's three whoops and one keg of malt Tusker (@TheWorld, that's a Kenyan beer) per family. Because the world said "go this way," and we swam counter-current and came out of the raging waters unscathed. And whatnot.  

5. Entertainment factor - We certainly do not lack much in the morbid and morosely delectable humor that having our beloved MPigs comes with - @TheWorld, that's a term of affectionate reverence we use to address our endearing  MPs [Members of Parliament] for obvious reasons; the other option is substituting Member with a synonym and aptly dubbing them Dicks/ Cocks of Parliament, but that's too much work, and we're inherently lazy with our civil rights. However, the conspiracy theories that have sprung up, uniting many Kenyans across tribal lines against a common foe at State House are inspiring; take that! tribalism. "Cat got your tongue?"..."No, that 'Criminal' President Invited To UK cut it out!" "I suppose the dog ate your homework?"..."No, ICC suspect burnt it." "Man died of heart attack? Helicopter crashed?"..."No. War criminal eliminated ICC suspect." 

Maybe that last one wouldn't be too funny if it turned out to be anywhere near true, but at the least we could say that ideas for assassination have somewhat improved since the last hyped one. The man who shot himself in the head, strangled himself, then self-immolated (cremated?) himself.

In any case, it does not seem like UhuRuto's purported 'graveyard shift' at State House is one bit affected by your criminal stories. Soon, we hope, 'Criminal' President Invited To UK will turn into 'Criminal' President Invited To US...but then again Obama's Got 99 Problems But A juvenile delinquent 'brother' in Kenya Ain't One!

How to Write about Kenya's Post-Election Economy

This piece illustrates how to write about the Kenyan Economy's response to UhuRuto. It contains Sex, Nudity, Violence and foul/ adult Language. This is to say that it consists of nude optimisms that will leave many in peaks of blind satisfaction much akin to the throes of sexual arousal; truths established by violently repetitive enforcement; and language foully intended to kidnap public adult opinion. Key optimisms will be highlighted in red. The bigger, bolder and darker the claims, the bigger, bolder and darker the text. Attempts will be made sparingly to avoid highlighting entire paragraphs. Or the entire piece. Reader discretion is advised.

_____________________________________________________________

Post Election Glow: A Report on a ‘Jubilated’ Kenyan Economy

Despite having been caught up in a political and legal limbo wrought with pecuniary losses over the just concluded fiscal year quarter, the memo from the Kenyan economy to the rest of the world seems to be a resounding, ‘nothing personal, just business.’

Investors and entrepreneurs alike have experienced a downturn in fortunes since the end of the second fiscal year quarter, with some companies such as Jetlink Express – a Kenyan airline – having shut their doors down at the end of November last year. Effectively, the World Bank’s distance to frontier (DTF) measure of the Kenyan economy – which compares the current state of Kenya’s economy to that of the best performances across all world economies over time – showed a marked reduction in the ease of doing business from 2012 to 2013. The Stock Market is frequently a most straightforward harbinger of an economy’s well-being, and financial analysts noted that the market reacted stalwartly to the peaceful election process. It responded largely in a largely comparable trend to the respect of former premier Raila Odinga’s due process in seeking legal redress to his loss at the ballot, sending a powerful subliminal message of investor confidence.

The beginning of the last financial quarter of the year – on 1st April – coincided with the upholding of Uhuru Kenyatta’s election win two days earlier by the Supreme Court, ending a prolonged period of uncertainty; and along with it, all the attendant glum brought about by the glacial progress of business prospects. The bullish market reacted ever stronger to President Uhuru’s inauguration eight days later, closing at a multi-year high on 11^th April. Even with mild recoils ever since, it is clear that key players within the Kenyan business scene were relieved that the president said all the right things; the attendance of past and present African heads-of-state, as well as diplomats the world over, particularly came off as a “tempered hope” that “if Kenya succeeded, they too would succeed.” (author's note [henceforth, AN]: Too Big To Fail?)

While it may not have hit the ground running as fast as the bustling and carping Kenyan population demands, the leading indicators of this administration’s commitment to building upon the immense gains made by the past regime appear quite promising. In his first address to both Houses at Parliament a week after his inauguration, President Kenyatta emphasized that his government would emphasize “lean and effective” governance, and a restructuring of Public Service operations. Indeed the first step towards this envisioned end was taken within the past week, with the short-listing and presentation of 16 out of the 18 Cabinet secretaries who – pending the outcome of an ideally meticulous public scrutiny and Parliamentary vetting period – will take to office in mid-May at the earliest.

With the composition of Cabinet brought down by more than half, and the fact that a good majority of the nominees are technocrats with vast experience as leaders in both Public and Private sector organizations locally and abroad, a “lean and effective” Government appears within reach. These appointments may yet prove to be a masterstroke for the Kenyatta Government, particularly with the broader economic environment in mind. As the president noted, his term begins amidst a deepening world economic crisis and “recession in the West”, compounded by “rising costs in the East”. The nominees’ understanding of world trade and industry operations will be invaluable in shoring the economy up, protecting vulnerable industries and building up those in comparative advantage; it would seem that this knowledge informed his reference to pan-African collaboration during the inauguration, coupled with a well-placed allusion to the relative robustness of African economies in his speech to the Houses of parliament.

Further, roughly 60% of the country’s population comprises Kenyans aged between 15 and 35, with this demographic, according to Youth Challenge International, comprising 61% of Kenya’s unemployed. The Jubilee Government’s statistics place this figure at closer to 70% (AN: a Trojan Horse display of honesty); with the youth  literacy rate estimated at around 80% (AN: the rate only considers very simple sentence construction), and that of young citizens between ages 15 and 24 approximated at 92.72% in a 2009 World Bank report, this represents a massive untapped workforce potential. During the latest announcement of Cabinet nominees on 25^th April, President Kenyatta stipulated that the first item on the Cabinet Secretaries’ agenda upon assumption of office will be to come up with an inclusion plan for women and youth in their respective portfolios. This, he elaborated, explained his decision not to allocate special dockets for women and youth affairs in his Cabinet, and was in part a fulfillment of his earlier pledge in a 5 year agenda unveiled in his address to parliament regarding job creation for these two demographics.

The new nominees have expressed their own commitment to include more youth and women in government, as well as implement new loan provisions for the youth and women from the anticipated kitty amounting to US $ 70 million in interest-free loans promised by the Kenyatta administration. President Kenyatta has further given assurances that he will push for obligatory allotment of a third of his government’s contracts to young people, in addition to the review and revision of the Public Procurement and Disposal Act, establishing official responsibility on government institutions and parastatals to prioritize buying locally produced goods. Kenya’s vibrant corporate scene – particularly the innovative mobile and tech industry that has led to the country’s strategic positioning as the Silicon Savannah – has long pushed for favorable policy review. Entrepreneurs will no doubt laud his effort to create procurement quotas for youth and women in his government.

In the face of being the region's biggest economy boasting strong Financial and ICT sectors, the country’s Agriculture, Manufacturing and Transport sectors have largely left a lot to be desired in the past. Approximately 45% of Government revenue derived from the Agriculture sector alone, which also directly contributes 24% GDP according to a food security report prepared by the Kenya Agricultural Research Institute, KARI. With “the right combination of policies with a steady hand (AN: unless the whiskey gets to him) and determination” envisaged by Kenyatta’s plan to project Kenya to middle-income nation status within a generation, a more efficient and harder working generation of farmers (AN: when not drinking themselves to a stupor) would augur well both for the economy and for government revenue. The plan to modernize and expand agriculture by opening up at least 1 million acres of new land through irrigation, while ambitious, is backed by flagship projects identified under Kenya Vision 2030, among them the development of irrigation schemes. Implementation will be crucial to revolutionizing agriculture, with some of the other projects aimed at improving the sector including the reduction of fertilizer costs, branding of Kenyan farm produce, establishment of livestock disease-free zones, and the provision of publicly accessible land registries.

Stealing Africa - Why Poverty? 

Glencore, the biggest company you've never heard of: How much profit is fair?

Slow registration and corruption continues to hamper progress (AN: do not use cripple; too dark) at the Land Registry, which has affected both the agricultural and building industries, where multiple licensing requirements for construction permits hinder (AN: see last note) business operations. News that the registry digitization project funded by the Swedish government is due completion in mid-2014, however, makes a strong case for improvement in transparency and speed of operations. Government estimates put the need for home constructions to cater for the population at 150,000 per year (AN: or 250,000, depends on who you read, just like the Kibra census), yet so far only an approximate 50,000 units are constructed annually.

Of these 50,000, the lively real estate scene in Kenya has focused primarily on high end and upper middle-class needs, locking out the low-earning majority’s needs. UNICEF estimates, however, that over half of Kenya’s population lives below the poverty line, less than KES 100 a day, even on the most optimistic estimates. This implies that while low-cost unit schemes, beyond those by the National Housing Corporation, should certainly be considered, reduction of poverty as a priority would make more business sense. Accordingly, the president’s calls for investment in “our greatest capital resource,” the people, by transforming our economy to enable our exports to “compete across the world and drive the growth necessary to create jobs for our youth and lift 10 million of our brothers and sisters out of poverty by 2017” are a bold statement of intent to provide the purchasing power that would justify low-cost housing units.

Prospects for oil in Turkana and mineral resources (AN: see graphic below for what copper has done to Zambia and Switzerland-based Glencore) in the Coast have whetted investor appetites recently. While the discovery is still in the test phase for commercial viability, the confidence exhibited by investors such as Base Resources, a subsidiary of the Australian Base Titanium in Kwale, as well as discovery of natural gas deposits suggests that there are alternatives for further investment in the Energy sector. This would be a welcome boost in the manufacturing sector, dogged by persistent energy shortages that have become a necessary added cost to many a businessman in the country, in the way of standby generators. President Kenyatta noted that in Argentina, whose population is roughly equal to Kenya’s, the national electric supply capacity is at 24 Gigawatts, to a paltry 1.5 Gigawatts comparatively in Kenya. His pledge to invest in bolstering the energy sector by sealing leakages in the revenue collection system and enhancing transparency would in turn reduce the cost of ordinary household goods, including food, housing, energy and transport. Coupled with the envisaged growth of the agricultural sector, these projected developments would in turn drive export led growth.

While Kenyatta’s government has been viewed as potentially debilitating for Kenya’s economy due to the pending ICC case against them for war crimes, the more likely scenario is supported by a background setting of absolute pragmatism. Simply put, Kenya is too important to close the eyes to. British corporations have a great deal of investment in this economy. The local creative industry is by and large experiencing an increased drive of international investment in the way of innovation hubs such as the iHub, Pawa254, 88mph, and the Go Down Arts Centre among myriad others. Kenya’s port connects a landlocked Uganda to the world trade scene, and the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, JKIA, still serves as the air transport hub of the region. Kenya’s Defense Forces, KDF, are currently invested in battling Muslim fundamentalist militants in Somalia, while the country plays host to a United States forces’ base in close proximity to Somali perimeter. The UK military is also hosted in a base in Nanyuki, where British soldiers train in the wild territory as a precursor to their being sent to actual wars around the world. Also a major patron and noteworthy importer of Kenyan products is the European Union, whereas the United States, primarily through USAID, supplies around $900m in financial assistance annually. Nairobi recently became the United Nations’ environmental headquarters, with an upgrade of UNEP’s Governing Council to universal membership. The least intimation of sanctions or choices that could disturb Kenya’s economy would have far-reaching consequences.

Still, corruption is one of the biggest threats to Kenya’s development agenda. While Transparency International ranks Kenya at 139^th out of 174 on the 2012 global corruption index, admittedly a marked improvement from her 154^th position out of 182 in 2011, there is still a great deal of effort required to streamline the conduct of business in Kenya, and improve Government’s purchasing power. Especially so in the context of devolved government, with the county structure having increased the avenues of public service countrywide, and with the counties still dependent on the Central government financially, there is need for better managing of resources and stringent defense of public interests in line with the constitution of the people of the Republic of Kenya. Mechanisms for the resolution of administrative challenges are in place, according to the Jubilee administration, to enable devolution, and similar mechanisms for the punishment of corrupt officials are to begin implementation as the economy heads into a protectionist mode to survive in the global backdrop.

It would be incumbent on trade and industry forecasts to however note that the Jubilee government is still in the transitional phase of a long journey ahead.

"Blue Colour" Crime

Calling all Assholes - Will the Real SLIME Shady, please stand up?

As we reel in the aftermath of a year long campaign binge laced with the typical sentimentalist sycophancy that characterizes Kenyan politics, as well as a new and mainly middle-class magical thinking that embodied Peter Kenneth's dream of State House, it takes a strong stomach to watch the fairly horrific scenes that have been these past 50 odd days since the election.

From the reactionary barbs that followed President Uhuru's number-crunching win on March 9, there was only one consensus on the nation's direction since then; downhill. For a while, however, there had seemed to be something so completely soothing about keeping the peace and making history while at it. Two of Kenya's bastards, conceived during the colonial twilight hours and birthed despite - if not because of - the near fatal labour pains of anarchy and despotism, had at last triumphed.

We seemed to have forgotten that for over half a century, their skull-like faces had kissed millions of dying children goodbye, after having bludgeoned their fathers to death and raped their mothers as they watched. Mere statistics at this point. Because in one fell swoop, Fisadi and Kabila had conspired to give their country the vainglory of a 'world record' in voter turnout at an election.

That kept the jubilation mobs occupied for a moment. But just as the dynamic duo finished their beers, picked up the shovels and returned to the pile of pungent human mulch at their feet, former Prime Minister Raila immediately declared war his intent to file a petition against the IEBC at the Supreme Court. Cue social media madness, as the tribal groupthink encouraged by both of the top candidates during the campaigns knocked up their cyborgs counsel during the trial.  

The average Kenyan has often been referred to as Wanjiku - or Atieno, Mueni, Chebet, whatever your preference is. But along with the reforms that have seen the e in Kibera deemed surplus to requirements and dragged off to the vowel museum, I suggest we rename Wanjiku. A good literal name for her would be Britney Spears, what with her once iconic invitation to 'hit me baby, one more time.' The only difference between the two being that in Kenya's case, the hits just keep on coming.

Our Supreme Court declared the IEBC's conduct of the elections free and fair, seemingly ignoring what seemed to have been emergent incidences of human error's bias against a bewildered Raila. Kibaki retired to his 6 million-dollar playboy mansion cushioned by a bloated pension, and passed on the baton to Uhuru in a pomp-laden, bowel-moving, taxpayer-funded 3 million-dollar+ inauguration. The combined total, approximately 9 million dollars (KES 800 million), being the exact amount that the Chinese government promised to invest in 2011 to improve Pumwani Maternity Hospital's infrastructure, but that seems not to quite have been delivered yet.

Exit statesman Kibaki stage left from the murky world of politics to celebrate 10 years as Vice President, 5 years as official leader of opposition, 10 years as president, and 50 years of sitting on the fence with a KES 1 million monthly pension, KES 25 million in lump some gratuity, 100 acres of land, and a KES 500 million retirement home. For a man billed as an economic genius, the remuneration figures seemed oddly simplistic in their derivation.

Meanwhile, Raila and co. pulled a diva move, the jet-setters jettisoning their vanquished behinds off to South Africa to "visit" an ailing Madiba. Why we tolerate these assholes - collectively, not just the Cord trio - I would not understand, were it not for the fact that within days of the inauguration, KTN's Jicho Pevu published their tabloid version of 'investigative' tele-journalism, complete with a sensational clip of Ciku Muiruri, who served as their Page Three girl. And what did we do? Like a pack of marauding zombies, we missed the fact that nothing new was aired in the 'epic' episode they aired, and went baying for Ciku's blood instead.

And now, when we're not busy ogling our socialite fashionistas' nudes on Ghafla!'s black trash trailer park, we're busy whetting our gluttonous appetites for bullshit with various opinionistas' drivel, as peddled by the daily rags. All the while we practice our poker faces in the mirror - lest we expose our tribal allegiances out there in the real world - and reserve our damn faces for display as we chide UhuRuto derisively and remark at their oh-so-genuine on-screen chemistry in equal measure. Ok, maybe not exactly equal; perhaps more like in a ratio of "50% + 1 is to others."

A couple days ago, the CIA revealed that Kenyan shoppers have a near religious faithfulness to familiar brands. The CIA, here, meaning Consumer Insight Africa, not Conspiracy International America. If it were the latter, one would only hope they'd go a step farther and correlate that belief in brands to the masses' disregard of their brains in favour of toeing the tribal line. Cord and Jubilee being the brands that command the biggest chunk of that deified belief.

"Honourable" Mithika Linturi vowed to see to it that the constitutionally protected Salaries and Remuneration Commission members are removed, for slashing MPs' salaries (from USD 122,000 to USD 79,000 annually)

In his first speech to parliament, our new president and supreme surveyor went on to talk about opening up a million acres of Kenyan land through irrigation. I half-expected him to mention the 500,000 odd acres rumoured to be in his family's possession - and remarkably, none of it anywhere near a road reserve, where it can be Syokimaud. But that nusu mkate expectation was deluded at best. Parliament quickly set about contorting its body, displaying a staggering level of flexibility as it stuck 290 feet in its mouth, so deep that it could only speak out of its arse. Talk about increasing salaries is unconstitutional, not to mention that this premature ejaculate - directed at a public that is already paying the world's highest rent - is aimed right at our faces.


Uhuru campaigned on a platform of sovereignty, arguing that the international community should not attempt to undermine our right to choose the supreme idiot-in-chief to govern the rest of the idiots in Miss Independent Kenya. And by overwhelming the ballot with votes cast for him, we sanctioned this idea of sovereignty. Which is why it's a bit of a shame that despite the e in Kibera having enjoyed - and still enjoying - massive support in Kenyan lingo (undoubtedly more than 50% + 1), the sovereignty of that e has not been fought for nearly as much. We might want to tighten security for the few other remaining vowels, maybe get them two bodyguards each, lest we end up having to buy mutras and samsas in the streets of Nairbi as we drive our flag-less Subrus and Toytas to work.

Finally, a parting shot to Raila and co. I realize that when your girlfriend of many years dumps you at the altar and marries another abusive guy whose guts you detest, it's only natural to want a rebound girl. What's unnatural, though, is going to your married pregnant ex-girlfriend's house and demanding that her husband surrender his conjugal rights over to you, on account of you having a bigger dick.