Saturday, May 4, 2013

Brand Kenya Thrives on: 'Criminal' President Invited To UK

Full disclosure: This post was in initially intended to roll out dubbed "5 ways an ICC Suspect presiding over Kenya works for us," but the attendant flaws in the statement, coupled with the opportunity for free Content Marketing that arises with the phrase «« 'Criminal' President Invited To UK «« trending worldwide overruled that prospect. That, plus I don't do lists.

So here's how Brand Kenya's thriving on Uhuru's election as president:

Criminal? Meh...
1. The hype - No news is bad news. That's Journalism 101. If anyone has disproven and proven that, it has to be our beloved President Uhuru Kenyatta; in two distinct ways, no less:
a. No News = Bad News
Approached in this way, it can be argued that we already know that Uhuru Kenyatta is a suspected 'war criminal,' what with the talk preceding his election that our choices would have consequences. @TheWorld, we are still waiting for that one to come true, but we're more inclined to believe that sheer pragmatism does not allow for any such eventuality.

b. There is no News that = Bad News
Approached from this perspective, it's a mere matter of looking at how Uhuru Kenyatta's political career received a boost as soon as the charges against him achieved global status. He went from an ignominious typing-error-not-misappropriated-funds Minister of Finance, to a full-fledged political force and undisputed symbol of Kenyan Sovereignty. It's all in the packaging of content and how the story is told. Thank you, @TheWorld. We couldn't have done it without you.

2. Increased Civil Liberties - The laundry is already dirty. It is also already being aired extensively. That's a plus for civil liberties and free expression in Kenya. After all, what could possibly be said about President Kenyatta and his Deputy Samoei that could trump allegedly orchestrating the killing of 1000+ human statistics and displacing over 600,000+ more? Thank you, @TheWorld, for giving me the opportunity to criticize my president and get away with it. Again, probably couldn't have done it without you. [Re: Dennis Itumbi, a Kenyan blogger who was in the last regime arrested and harrassed, somewhat deservedly, for hacking into private networks and releasing information into the public domain, now gets invited to State House. At the very least.]

3. Bragging Rights - Kenya can now tell Zimbabwe, Iraq, Iran, North Korea et al to SUCK IT!! Rome statute my bloody thendecks. That, dear @TheWorld, is to say hiney, posterior orifice or other such colorful words. We still run this mother.

4. Scapegoat vs Against-[t]all-odds - If the presidency fails, we can resoundingly blame foreign interference and create conspiracy theories linking Raila Odinga's foray into @TheWorld with his return and subsequent trouncing of the various institutions that played into Uhuru Kenyatta's election; notably, his allegations of Uhuru's bribery, against the electoral board - IEBC and the Supreme Court - SCoK. If, like water off a duck's back, the charges and resultant hype fall off the shoulders of this presidency's success, then it's three whoops and one keg of malt Tusker (@TheWorld, that's a Kenyan beer) per family. Because the world said "go this way," and we swam counter-current and came out of the raging waters unscathed. And whatnot.  

5. Entertainment factor - We certainly do not lack much in the morbid and morosely delectable humor that having our beloved MPigs comes with - @TheWorld, that's a term of affectionate reverence we use to address our endearing  MPs [Members of Parliament] for obvious reasons; the other option is substituting Member with a synonym and aptly dubbing them Dicks/ Cocks of Parliament, but that's too much work, and we're inherently lazy with our civil rights. However, the conspiracy theories that have sprung up, uniting many Kenyans across tribal lines against a common foe at State House are inspiring; take that! tribalism. "Cat got your tongue?"..."No, that 'Criminal' President Invited To UK cut it out!" "I suppose the dog ate your homework?"..."No, ICC suspect burnt it." "Man died of heart attack? Helicopter crashed?"..."No. War criminal eliminated ICC suspect." 

Maybe that last one wouldn't be too funny if it turned out to be anywhere near true, but at the least we could say that ideas for assassination have somewhat improved since the last hyped one. The man who shot himself in the head, strangled himself, then self-immolated (cremated?) himself.

In any case, it does not seem like UhuRuto's purported 'graveyard shift' at State House is one bit affected by your criminal stories. Soon, we hope, 'Criminal' President Invited To UK will turn into 'Criminal' President Invited To US...but then again Obama's Got 99 Problems But A juvenile delinquent 'brother' in Kenya Ain't One!

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