Post-Election Insolence: Same Script, Same Cast, Different Lanes (Part I)

April 26th, 2013: 

Under the influence of an inspired State House PR team, and a brilliant presidential speech-writer, I find myself in the unfamiliar position of becoming President Kenyatta’s unofficial fan-boy. And going by my Social Media timelines, it would seem that I’m not the only Kenyan above the ignorance of tripping over myself at what must be this president’s burliest mascot – his smoke, pun unintended, and mirrors.

There was the YouTube video of bloopers from the campaign trail, aired live on Citizen TV – among other nationwide visual couriers of new agendas. What self-respecting PRO could in their right mind have passed up on that kind of marketing? A nice touch you’ll find available for download at Image-improvementfordummies.co.ke and cleanasababysbottom.com. 

Characteristically much later came the Cabinet Secretary announcements, anticlimactically revealing only four of a possible eighteen nominees. The images depicting UhuRuto with their sleeves rolled up with the red, blue or matching ties could not have been lost on us either, a leaf copy-pasted straight off President Obama’s playbook; as was the setup of the presidential platform at the foot of the pillars of State House, and the “brotherly love” approach to handling the media.

The immediate hullabaloo over this delay in cooking up a cabinet was counterbalanced by equally loud calls for patience, since the process of selection would only do Kenya good, hence requiring diligent input by the two Jubilee leaders. Opinionistas were quick to delve into the matter, adding the fact that it allowed Parliament to begin the vetting process on the four, notably the nominee to the National Treasury. A road sign was quickly erected, reminding us of the immediacy of the budget reading, and pointing directly at President Uhuru’s ingenuity in prioritizing that appointment. Even more pedestrian crossings allowed us to cross the reality that department of state appointments in democracies such as the motherload United States are also conducted in similar fashion. Hail the dapper UhuRuto for style, they said.

After ascertaining that we’d had enough time to mull over this perceived letdown, yesterday happened. The now sixteen member council of nominees’ credentials have since been turned into fodder on massive multi-page spreads in the National Press: a young and virile team of technocrats with the résumés, frequent flier miles and Varsity qualifications – read Diaspora education – to back them. It would be difficult to dig into a good majority of these consummate professionals before they’ve had the onus of a Cabinet track record to look back on; and so for the most part, Kenyans chose to eyeball the two final nominees, who had the ignominy of a hangman’s noose in the form of their past performances hanging over their heads.

It was indeed a masterstroke distinctive of this new regime’s style when the two final nominations came. The execution was flawless…introduce the less-maligning Balala first and fast as Mining Secretary, and what with Kenyan women’s obvious goo goo gaga reactions to both Andrew Kenneth and then-President Elect Uhuru’s son, it was hard to disagree with that logic. Much especially so when one of the bigger stains in Kenya’s conscience – if she had one – was announced next as Lands, Housing and Urban Development Secretary. A fellow blogger went as far as inaugurating the indelible ink used by the IEBC to mark voters’ pinkies as ‘the Ngilu’, aptly summarizing her hard-to-be-rid-of hard-as-nails Die Hardness. 

  

In the interests of being fundamentally unKenyan, however, let’s spot and point out the obvious flaws in this action by the president, and the equal and expectedly opposite overreaction by the public. First off, if the past 7-odd years of Mr. Kibaki’s governance have shown us anything, it’s that we the duly submissive wananchi have an impressively sturdy level of BSc, aka Bullshit compliance. After an initially quasi-smooth beginning to his term, Señor Kibaki’s government began experiencing hit after hit of graft allegations on a grand scale. Cabinet Ministers who would go on to survive both terms in cabinet were at the heart of these scandals, and no less than the Prime Minister, at the time, as well as the current President and his Deputy have since had their fair share of the corruption allegation cake.

Our national ego however quickly massaged our national conscience into submission, cushioned by echoes of a booming economy that peaked at 7 percent+ growth in 2007. Secondly, even after the election violence slammed the brakes on this impressive trajectory in the eve of that year, our precocious National Accord did precious little to bring to account all the evils of the 3-odd month chaos that rocked the country, preferring instead to lock them up in a cabinet of faux peaceful oblivion. I will hereby declare my silence on the awkward little topic of how far up that cabinet’s annals the matter of the two Suspects-in-Chief’s involvement is filed. 

Fast forward through Mr. Kibaki’s second term, right past the fact that the economy has never quite recovered to its pre-07 election pregnancy glow, police brutality caught live on tape, Ngilu’s ‘Kusema-na-Kutender’ government contract policy for her family, and arrive at the fact that these four politicians that will possibly make up Cabinet are a precipitate remnant of the systemic cancer that permeates Kenyan politics. The fact that we’re reacting so strongly to two cabinet ministerial appointments belays the beleaguered truth that the President and his Deputy are not saints either. Their power is so much more potentially weary for Kenya’s economy than a couple of Secretaries could ever be. 

Moreover, there is also the little matter of the illusion of transparency – a cousin to the delusion of maturity that was peddled regarding our peaceful elections. Mock transparency concerts have become a favorite national pastime for us. Initially given to the impression of them simply being a little passing crush, I am wont to keep that false hope up given the vetting committee that awaits this panel of preeminent secretaries. A committee that itself wrought down the Integrity bill to its bare bone to escape vetting. Yet the same institutions that have been vetted include the IEBC (Independent Electoral & Boundaries Commission), the SCoK (Supreme Court of Kenya) and the SRC (Salaries and Regulations Committee) among myriad others. And look how far ahead of the imaginary pack that has taken us! 

Vetting is a superficially pointless attempt at presenting us sanctimonious facades, behind which still sit the deep-seated structural flaws we are yet to take off our collective feet.

So as you and I continue to exercise in our national training grounds for BSc, it would behoove us to continue upgrading our UXp (User Exercise in patience) coz it’s gonna be a long ride. If UhuRuto really wish to preside over a nation devoted to balancing the historically set up equation of inequity, they might want to start by cutting their flair for the dramatic and convincingly turn their images on their heads, and with that, all the attendant melancholy their half-baked policies could inflict on Kenya.

How much BS is too much BS? Kenya is the perfect case study establishing that there is simply no answer to that question. Hopefully in Part II remember to bash the insidious Cord leadership, but for now, this seems sufficient.

    On a sidenote: 

      Of course I too thought the appointments yesterday represented one region, and part of one region alone. Runda, Nairobi. Or Muthaiga et al. The nominees have a lot in common with President UK, not least in their overwhelming affinity for the Queen's language, and an inescapable half Kikuyu + Kalenjin composition. And before you jump on my throat, I am a Kikuyu, so by stereotypical thought I readily admit to being a thief and first cousin to the president. 

That being outta the way, what I'd like to add is the fact that we need a rollerskating kinda cabinet, not a credentialist/ tribalist kind. Credentials follow the set norm. As does tribalism. Rollerskating needs you to practice being on the board - and granted, fall off it as many times as Edison's light bulb moments anti-orgasmed - till you find a way to stay on top of the board. And begin to muster it.

Brand Kenya Thrives on: 'Criminal' President Invited To UK

Full disclosure: This post was in initially intended to roll out dubbed "5 ways an ICC Suspect presiding over Kenya works for us," but the attendant flaws in the statement, coupled with the opportunity for free Content Marketing that arises with the phrase «« 'Criminal' President Invited To UK «« trending worldwide overruled that prospect. That, plus I don't do lists.

So here's how Brand Kenya's thriving on Uhuru's election as president:

Criminal? Meh...

1. The hype - No news is bad news. That's Journalism 101. If anyone has disproven and proven that, it has to be our beloved President Uhuru Kenyatta; in two distinct ways, no less:

a. No News = Bad News

Approached in this way, it can be argued that we already know that Uhuru Kenyatta is a suspected 'war criminal,' what with the talk preceding his election that our choices would have consequences. @TheWorld, we are still waiting for that one to come true, but we're more inclined to believe that sheer pragmatism does not allow for any such eventuality.

b. There is no News that = Bad News

Approached from this perspective, it's a mere matter of looking at how Uhuru Kenyatta's political career received a boost as soon as the charges against him achieved global status. He went from an ignominious typing-error-not-misappropriated-funds Minister of Finance, to a full-fledged political force and undisputed symbol of Kenyan Sovereignty. It's all in the packaging of content and how the story is told. Thank you, @TheWorld. We couldn't have done it without you.

2. Increased Civil Liberties - The laundry is already dirty. It is also already being aired extensively. That's a plus for civil liberties and free expression in Kenya. After all, what could possibly be said about President Kenyatta and his Deputy Samoei that could trump allegedly orchestrating the killing of 1000+ human statistics and displacing over 600,000+ more? Thank you, @TheWorld, for giving me the opportunity to criticize my president and get away with it. Again, probably couldn't have done it without you. [Re: Dennis Itumbi, a Kenyan blogger who was in the last regime arrested and harrassed, somewhat deservedly, for hacking into private networks and releasing information into the public domain, now gets invited to State House. At the very least.]

3. Bragging Rights - Kenya can now tell Zimbabwe, Iraq, Iran, North Korea et al to SUCK IT!! Rome statute my bloody thendecks. That, dear @TheWorld, is to say hiney, posterior orifice or other such colorful words. We still run this mother.

4. Scapegoat vs Against-[t]all-odds - If the presidency fails, we can resoundingly blame foreign interference and create conspiracy theories linking Raila Odinga's foray into @TheWorld with his return and subsequent trouncing of the various institutions that played into Uhuru Kenyatta's election; notably, his allegations of Uhuru's bribery, against the electoral board - IEBC and the Supreme Court - SCoK. If, like water off a duck's back, the charges and resultant hype fall off the shoulders of this presidency's success, then it's three whoops and one keg of malt Tusker (@TheWorld, that's a Kenyan beer) per family. Because the world said "go this way," and we swam counter-current and came out of the raging waters unscathed. And whatnot.  

5. Entertainment factor - We certainly do not lack much in the morbid and morosely delectable humor that having our beloved MPigs comes with - @TheWorld, that's a term of affectionate reverence we use to address our endearing  MPs [Members of Parliament] for obvious reasons; the other option is substituting Member with a synonym and aptly dubbing them Dicks/ Cocks of Parliament, but that's too much work, and we're inherently lazy with our civil rights. However, the conspiracy theories that have sprung up, uniting many Kenyans across tribal lines against a common foe at State House are inspiring; take that! tribalism. "Cat got your tongue?"..."No, that 'Criminal' President Invited To UK cut it out!" "I suppose the dog ate your homework?"..."No, ICC suspect burnt it." "Man died of heart attack? Helicopter crashed?"..."No. War criminal eliminated ICC suspect." 

Maybe that last one wouldn't be too funny if it turned out to be anywhere near true, but at the least we could say that ideas for assassination have somewhat improved since the last hyped one. The man who shot himself in the head, strangled himself, then self-immolated (cremated?) himself.

In any case, it does not seem like UhuRuto's purported 'graveyard shift' at State House is one bit affected by your criminal stories. Soon, we hope, 'Criminal' President Invited To UK will turn into 'Criminal' President Invited To US...but then again Obama's Got 99 Problems But A juvenile delinquent 'brother' in Kenya Ain't One!

Of Kenyan Banks, Politics and the Tired Sickly Dream

Politics in Kenya is a lot like customer service in commercial banks, only with the service replaced by servitude.

Pretty much like in a bank’s Loan Office, the year we currently find ourselves playing snakes and ladders in happens to be one in which we receive the ‘BIG’ vision. “Cheapest interest rests in town…mortgage deal in the most posh suburb in all of Milky Way’s suburbia...hurry while you still have an income yawa!” 

So we buy into it. We take the loan.

Then comes the interlull; that period when none of the banks need to offload the copious load of crisps they borrow from the Central Bank. Like your local MP, suddenly their instant goldrush mavuno creative ads featuring recently released extreme makeover convicts go off the radar, or at best relocate somewhere under it. Well, at least with the banks you can be sure they’ll be back within the year, with “even better rates, forever more posh suburbs in the entire multiverse’s suburbia. Double twice.

Your political mouthpiece, his pockets and general excuse for lack of the vaguest shot at the bull’s eye on the integrity board, however, has five years to run around in the backbenches of legislative oblivion. That, or an intense propensity to deliver the most perfect charade every other day in broad daylight.  Yes I know that’s a double superlative.

Twenty-four short years of the Nyayo dominion seem to have whacked this nation into fertile submission, so eager to spread our figurative legs for the quick buck made in the political campaign stretch. We forget, ever so maddeningly, just how much that accidental pregnancy of a government we voluntarily spawn will cost us as we await the next dollar. Our senses are so numb to sense that a bucket of ice, the Syokimaus and Sinais of our times, serve as pleasurable jolts of a reality we are willingly unwilling to conveniently forget at the ballot.

Pleasurable, you ask? Pleasurable. Because for a fleeting millionth of a second, we take to the streets screaming bloody murder this, revolution that. We take to our pads and pods, our IQs yelling iQuit on our foreign-owned communication technologies, and perhaps even end up feeding a story to tomorrow’s nyama quarter wrappers. We rant and rave on the Friday rave as we sip cold malts, displaying our current affairs analysis expertise to other drunks before walking off into the impending sunrise with that electric blanket we just spent the rest of our time at the sina taabu wetting with booze.

And then what? Zilch. Nada. ShNiet. Classic 105 come up with an ulcer-inducing crap ounce of delectables, and we change stations.

Meanwhile, your member continues to exceed the wildest expectations of malignant buffoonery you could dream of. CIC building cedes to Re-insurance Plaza, then in turn covers taxis, school buses and personal vehicles shuttling the working nation to town hoping to somewhat insure their own petrol costs. The rest of us take to highway patrol duty, on the walk of lame as our poverty comes into play, our only means of transport parked in the depleted soles of shoes gone by.

Cheap thrills. Barcotic highs…we barely ever seem to awaken from the deep comatose slumber we have learnt to enjoy suffering, the dripping hypodermic needle that is tribalism, corruption and the maligning “haki tunaomba serikali” stuck deep into the depths of our psyche.

We are begging the government? How about we turn it around while we still can, before ‘the bank’ forecloses on our vision? They, whoever you will vote in, are your next government. So technically, right now your next serikali inawaomba. Vote them in based on double talk and an easy way with the money dishing fly whisk, and reap only the former end of that stick. Vote them in, however, as genuine stakeholders in your angst and anger at a degenerate status quo and perhaps, just perhaps, brand Kenya will no longer be guilty of myopic astigmatism.

As the politicos Photoshop their images in a blatant attempt to blur out the shady background and crop out the warts, REMEMBER. All we need do is remember.

Because convincing yourself that you don’t give a fuck is not only the hardest thing you can ever do; it’s the hardest you’ll have to live with. For FIVE years! 

For previous articles on the Kenyan Politics Dream Sequence; click here, here, and here.

Caroline Mutoko and the Two Sides of her Story \ Cosign @kachwanya \

Reblog from Kachwanya.com 

By kachwanya – Nairobi; January 30, 2012

Wow, Caroline Mutoko hit a raw nerve with some Social Media gurus on her piece which is still not yet online by the time of writing this. So I have to give you a link of a scanned version here. Caroline made some valid points  but sometime good stories get lost in the language used. 

The central  point of  the piece is the hate speech and how it is being spread on Social Media. After reading it twice, I realized that there could be two possible conclusions made out of that story. And that is the reason why the reactions about it was in twos..those for Caroline, basically agreeing with her and others against her points, especially the language used. Somebody who saw it the same way, following the reactions of people on twitter is @Mwirigi. 

On twitter:

Mwirigi Bobby : Are there two versions of Mutoko’s post? Coz yenyewe…

One Side of the Story

If for a second  people put their emotions aside, then you would realize that Kenya is at a crossroad, full of angry people. And Politics in particular bring out the worst in some Kenyans. I still don’t get it with tribalism. It is  like a cancer eating Kenyans alive. As Mutoko noted, venom coming from some Kenyans online  is unbelievable. Worse still, all that come because of some people who do not give a damn whether you have food on your table or not. 

The more I look at it the more I see that Moi was right when he used to tell people that having a Minister from your community will not add any sufuria of ugali on your table. Well, Moi was/is a hated figure, so that might not make sense to some people; but for real, I think he had a point. In my adult life, I have never seen anything useful to talk about in Kenya from Kenyan politicians. It is the same reason why I don’t understand when people go ballistic because of a politician.  If only Kenyans would be passionate about Nation Building the way they are when it comes to politicians from their communities, then we would not be talking about vision 2030 but vision 2000.

I agree with Caroline on the hate speech, although I don’t think it is only an online problem. Kenyans online are just a perfect  sample of their offline versions, the only difference being that online you can trace their thoughts. The offline versions discuss the same in their mother tongues. Believe me the offline versions are the worst.

The other side of the story 

Caroline is disappointed at the venom coming from Facebook but when I look at her language, I don’t see the difference. Calling people numbskulls and idiots can as well pass as hate speech on its own. Caroline should realize that her article instantly became online vs offline, and one can argue that she was inciting the Offline against the Online. 

Then the wrong facts on the article. To start with people on Facebook are not Anonymous, to join Facebook one has to use his /her email address or phone number with real names. If you are looking for real people with real identity go to Facebook  or Linkedin. Caroline was probably talking about the world of Blogosphere or twitter, where some people use aliases  or fake names. But am not sure, probably Caroline think that Facebook is another name for Internet or Social Media.  So let's just say that what people said on the Facbook Media pages can be traced directly to the people who said them.

Talking of the Media houses, I got bored with the way they framed the narratives on the run up to the ICC ruling. At one point you would have thought the violence was going to breakup immediately the ICC announced their  ruling. What was the reason for posting the reporters in Eldoret, in Gatundu, in Nandi, mmmh nobody was posted around North Eastern...(or where does Ali come from?).  

At this point I might not be that wrong in believing that some Kenyans took cue from the Media Houses, Caroline Mutoko being a big shot in one of them.  Caroline should start by advising the Media Houses to stop treating the ICC suspects as the heroes, and start concentrating on the victims of the PEV.  How many front page articles focusing on IDPs have you seen on the Nation, Standard or The Star? Compare that with numerous articles about ICC suspects and other Politicians...even from the Media House from which Caroline Mutoko is one of the  decision makers?

Conclusions

For a minute let us all  be sober and agree to disagree. Online is a perfect space for discussion, and presenting diverging views. It should never be me my way or highway. Calling people stupid or idiots, or any other misplaced adjective does not help anyone. But at the same time the words coming from some people’s mouths directed to other communities should be checked. 

One nation, one country, one people. And that does not mean we protect the thugs from our communities…..think about it!!!