April 26th, 2013:
Under the influence of an inspired
State House PR team, and a brilliant presidential speech-writer, I find
myself in the unfamiliar position of becoming President Kenyatta’s unofficial
fan-boy. And going by my Social Media timelines, it would seem that I’m not the
only Kenyan above the ignorance of tripping over myself at what must be this
president’s burliest mascot – his smoke, pun unintended, and mirrors.
There was the YouTube video of bloopers from the campaign
trail, aired live on Citizen TV – among other nationwide visual couriers of new
agendas. What self-respecting PRO could in their right mind have passed up on
that kind of marketing? A nice touch you’ll find available for download at Image-improvementfordummies.co.ke and cleanasababysbottom.com.
Characteristically much later came the Cabinet Secretary announcements,
anticlimactically revealing only four of a possible eighteen nominees. The
images depicting UhuRuto with their sleeves rolled up with the red, blue or
matching ties could not have been lost on us either, a leaf copy-pasted
straight off President Obama’s playbook; as was the setup of the
presidential platform at the foot of the pillars of State House, and the
“brotherly love” approach to handling the media.
The immediate hullabaloo over this delay in cooking up a
cabinet was counterbalanced by equally loud calls for patience, since the
process of selection would only do Kenya good, hence requiring diligent input
by the two Jubilee leaders. Opinionistas were quick to delve into the matter,
adding the fact that it allowed Parliament to begin the vetting process on the
four, notably the nominee to the National Treasury. A road sign was quickly
erected, reminding us of the immediacy of the budget reading, and pointing
directly at President Uhuru’s ingenuity in prioritizing that appointment. Even
more pedestrian crossings allowed us to cross the reality that department of
state appointments in democracies such as the motherload United
States are also conducted in similar fashion. Hail the dapper UhuRuto for
style, they said.
After ascertaining that we’d had enough time to mull over
this perceived letdown, yesterday happened. The now sixteen member council of
nominees’ credentials have since been turned into fodder on massive multi-page
spreads in the National Press: a young and virile team of technocrats with the
résumés, frequent flier miles and Varsity qualifications – read Diaspora
education – to back them. It would be difficult to dig into a good majority of
these consummate professionals before they’ve had the onus of a Cabinet track
record to look back on; and so for the most part, Kenyans chose to eyeball the
two final nominees, who had the ignominy of a hangman’s noose in the form of
their past performances hanging over their heads.
It was indeed a masterstroke distinctive of this new regime’s style when the
two final nominations came. The execution was flawless…introduce the
less-maligning Balala first and fast as Mining Secretary, and what with Kenyan
women’s obvious goo goo gaga reactions to both Andrew Kenneth and
then-President Elect Uhuru’s son, it was hard to disagree with that logic. Much
especially so when one of the bigger stains in Kenya’s conscience – if she had
one – was announced next as Lands, Housing and Urban Development Secretary. A fellow blogger went as far as
inaugurating the indelible ink used by the IEBC to mark voters’ pinkies as ‘the
Ngilu’, aptly summarizing her hard-to-be-rid-of hard-as-nails Die
Hardness.
In the interests of being
fundamentally unKenyan, however, let’s spot and point out the obvious flaws
in this action by the president, and the equal and expectedly opposite
overreaction by the public. First off, if the past 7-odd years of Mr. Kibaki’s
governance have shown us anything, it’s that we the duly submissive wananchi have
an impressively sturdy level of BSc, aka Bullshit compliance. After an
initially quasi-smooth beginning to his term, Señor Kibaki’s government began
experiencing hit after hit of graft allegations on a grand scale. Cabinet Ministers
who would go on to survive both terms in cabinet were at the heart of these
scandals, and no less than the Prime Minister, at the time, as well as the
current President and his Deputy have since had their fair share of the
corruption allegation cake.
Our national ego however quickly massaged our national conscience into
submission, cushioned by echoes of a booming economy that peaked at 7 percent+
growth in 2007. Secondly, even after the election violence slammed the brakes
on this impressive trajectory in the eve of that year, our precocious National
Accord did precious little to bring to account all the evils of the 3-odd month
chaos that rocked the country, preferring instead to lock them up in a cabinet
of faux peaceful oblivion. I will hereby declare my silence on the awkward
little topic of how far up that cabinet’s annals the matter of the two
Suspects-in-Chief’s involvement is filed.
Fast forward through Mr. Kibaki’s second term, right past
the fact that the economy has never quite recovered to its pre-07 election
pregnancy glow, police brutality caught live on tape, Ngilu’s ‘Kusema-na-Kutender’ government
contract policy for her family, and arrive at the fact that these four
politicians that will possibly make up Cabinet are a precipitate remnant of the
systemic cancer that permeates Kenyan politics. The fact that we’re reacting so
strongly to two cabinet ministerial appointments belays the beleaguered truth
that the President and his Deputy are not saints either. Their power is so much
more potentially weary for Kenya’s economy than a couple of Secretaries could
ever be.
Moreover, there is also the little matter of the illusion of
transparency – a cousin to the delusion of maturity that was peddled regarding
our peaceful elections. Mock transparency concerts have become a favorite
national pastime for us. Initially given to the impression of them simply being
a little passing crush, I am wont to keep that false hope up given the vetting
committee that awaits this panel of preeminent secretaries. A committee that
itself wrought down the Integrity bill to its bare bone to escape vetting. Yet
the same institutions that have been vetted include the IEBC (Independent Electoral
& Boundaries Commission), the SCoK (Supreme Court of Kenya) and the
SRC (Salaries and Regulations Committee) among myriad others. And look how far
ahead of the imaginary pack that has taken us!
Vetting is a superficially pointless attempt at presenting
us sanctimonious facades, behind which still sit the deep-seated structural
flaws we are yet to take off our collective feet.
So as you and I continue to exercise in our national
training grounds for BSc, it would behoove us to continue upgrading our UXp (User
Exercise in patience) coz it’s gonna be a long ride. If UhuRuto really wish to
preside over a nation devoted to balancing the historically set up equation of
inequity, they might want to start by cutting their flair for the dramatic and
convincingly turn their images on their heads, and with that, all the attendant
melancholy their half-baked policies could inflict on Kenya.
How much BS is too much BS? Kenya is the perfect case study
establishing that there is simply no answer to that question. Hopefully in Part
II remember to bash the insidious Cord leadership, but for now, this seems
sufficient.
On a sidenote:
Of course I too thought
the appointments yesterday represented one region, and part of one region
alone. Runda, Nairobi. Or Muthaiga et al. The nominees have a lot in common
with President UK, not least in their overwhelming affinity for the Queen's
language, and an inescapable half Kikuyu + Kalenjin composition. And before you
jump on my throat, I am a Kikuyu, so by stereotypical thought I readily admit
to being a thief and first cousin to the president.
That being outta the way, what I'd like to add is the fact that we need a
rollerskating kinda cabinet, not a credentialist/ tribalist kind. Credentials
follow the set norm. As does tribalism. Rollerskating needs you to practice
being on the board - and granted, fall off it as many times as Edison's light
bulb moments anti-orgasmed - till you find a way to stay on top of the
board. And begin to muster it.
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