Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Unwritten Rulesmentations

I feel the urge to sometimes kick some people about like Barcelona do soccer balls. You know, not just kick them once, and neither by chance. People get you so irritated sometimes that you could actually plan to retain possession of their heads for shooting practice, or actually call your mates over and have a session of chenga funga with their blue ballsmentations 


Here's a quick few of those that utterly piss me the [blank] off!

1. I agree with every woman’s right to be as fly as can be, look as sexy as she will. But let’s agree on one thing. There’s a time and a place for everything, and seriously, any time Monday in Nairobi is not it for them minis, stockings and heels. Si Nairobi yote Koinange…that’s the only street you should be caught dead dressed like that before Wednesday night. :)

2. On no day whatsoever shall said stockings in 1 above be worn if they are worn…that is to say no drooping fibre, no hole however small, and certainly no tear. And trust me I am attentive to detail. I WILL notice it! 

3. Every Kenyan has the right to their sexual orientation, and whatever pride that comes with it. DO NOT, however…I repeat this is no go zone if within 500 miles of me…parade your pride in the streets lest my innards feel repulsed enough to parade themselves on your chest. Just to reiterate…2 guys kissing outside Bettyz? Complete no-no!

4. They call it public transport. However, that's about as far as public goes once I lipa fares. I OWN that mat, for the seconds to minutes to eons I will be entrapped within it! Try not to get me excited, lest I [blank]slap you to hell and back. By excite I mean:
  • Do not speed recklessly. I do not like to see death coming my way,  so if you're going to speed make sure it does not excite me in any way. This is to say that random braking and uncomfortable steering are entirely prohibited.

  • Do not act like a private car. Act like a jav. I know that sounds contradictory to bullet one above, but if I got into a jav whose driver cannot maneuver traffic jam like a dog picks the meat off its bones, then I can and WILL dondoka! Feetsubishi pia ni gari. :)

  • If you the conda do not ask for fares then I will NOT give it to you. Period. I have left you and your brothers enough of my spare change to afford me free rides around Nairobi for a month at least. I did not ask for my change. Your kind did not give it back. Consider the ignorance reciprocated, and don't worry...I can deal with [blanking] karma when I need to. Just not now.

  • Do not act like you own the jav coz you paid the fares. I know that sounds like it contradicts the initial premise of my argument. It does not. I OWN the jav coz I think in terms of the Needs of the Many and not the Good of the Few. Translation, if I am in a jav and feel you're driving too fast and need to slow down, you CERTAINLY are. If however you get into a jav and feel that the music is too loud, it was too loud when you got in. Deal with it!
5. It is no one man's prerogative to hit a woman. There is no justification to it, and you should not bother to read this blog ever again if you think otherwise. I will also urge that you keep your girlfriend away from my blog if you do that kinda [blank] to her, because sooner or later she will leave you if she continues to read my stuff. Be forewarned...I know how to treat a woman right. And I will never apologize for it. Mere statement of fact.

6. And finally - until something new comes up - all this crap about Kenya Vision 2030 and how you think it will not work…keep that to yourself. The opening statement of the vision states that the idea is to provide Kenyans a high quality life by 2030. The key word is ‘provide’. Safaricom/Airtel provides quality Internet services…you do not have to subscribe to it. Similarly, it is My Vision 2030. What you do with yours is exactly that. Yours. So quit going on and on about how it will or will not work.

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